Writing a journal entry while I am on ambien may not be the best idea.  But here it goes.  I cut again today it is much worse than yesterdays cuts.  I have 6 bad ones and 4 oka ones on my hip and two mild ones on my arm nd two very small ones on my other arm.  I like it and hate it.  I like seeing the cut, I like counting the cuts, watching them bleed.  I hate the secrecy and itching that will follow.  I hate worrying if everything is covered.  Chanced are my one roommate finds out.  She is super supportive and one of my best friends but least tome this happened she got freaked out.  That was a year and a half ago tough.  SHe might be more okay with it now.  All I know is I should be talking to someone.  Even though I don't want to.  I just ant to give in.  I feel so much better after I cut.  It stops the anorexic thoughts and behaviors.  Those are the ones that can kill you.  Anorexia is much more life altering and threatening than cutting.  I never cut deep enough for hospitalization so really the only down sides are some pain and maybe scars and itching.  If that is all I have to put up with vs starvation and being obsessed about food and freaking out about lack of control over school work then I pick cutting.  It helps the anxiety in the lease self destructive way I know how.

Replies

Rohitss
Rohitss

Ohh..you scare the hell out of me. Don\'t do it please. I\'m so worried now :(
Barbell
Barbell

You are releasing hurt in a hurtful way. I am not a Dr. but you you need to substitute this behavior with something else. Maybe when you get this urge try to exercise or go for a walk. You do need to talk to someone badly. I can tell you one thing is that God loves you more than anyone and because he loves you, he wants you to love yourself too. You wouldn\'t hurt others this way so don\'t hurt yourself. You are worth more than you know. Stop worrying about the past and keep going forward. I bet you are a very loving and kind person, so be that way to you to. Take care of you....hope this helps, talk to God about it.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are attractive and young, and have a future. How I envy you. Realize this, and focus only on positive thoughts - no negative ones - every day. At least that\'s what I am trying. I hope you are better.
deleted_user
deleted_user

This is very true....... GOD loves you no matter what. Ther are people that dont even know you, but care about you. Please try to stop cutting. I know it hard, but you are oth it. Love yourself. Each day being alive is a gift. I have severe back problems, and cannot get around and do things that normal people can do, like playing with my children, and doing things with my wife, but I enjoy the fact that I am alive to see all the good things God has given me.
Please take care of yourself
deleted_user
deleted_user

Clinically, I would say that your cutting is more dangerous than you may believe. This may be even more true if you under the influence of a sedative like Ambien. Sedatives reduce your inhabitions (as you probably already know). There is always the chance of infection, even if you are very clean and antiseptic. I don\'t know the odds of getting a voracious microbe, but it is possible. This could lead to making you very ill or possibly even needing something amputated (because of gang green). So, cutting is NOT completely safe.

I don\'t know that much about anorexia, but I know it is an obsessive disorder that can lead to body dismorphic disorder. I do know a lot about obsessive thoughts in general. When I was in my early teens, I started to lose my hair. It started to come out in huge clumps. I am bald today, but its not a significant issue today. However, I can remember contemplating suicide in the \"seriousness\" of my perceived \"deformity.\"

This was total fiction developed by my obsessive mind. What a creative, but dangerous, imagination I had? I have to believe that anorexia is a lot the same. I know your perceived body image is nothing close to the truth! Referencing the small picture of you above, I can see that you are an attractive young women. I can\'t even see any double chins!!!

I would seek support and help from professionals, family, friends, and support groups. I am at an AA meeting every day. It helps me tremendously with my alcoholic obsession. Stay strong, but seek help quickly. You will find that you are not weird, but are suffering the exact ailment as many other young women. Their experiences and strength will help you cope.

Take care of yourself,
Wayne-
deleted_user
deleted_user

I pray that you will seek professional help for these issues. Anxiety, anorexia, and cutting are all easily treated. If you are describing your cuts as 6 Bad ones, then I believe they are dangerous. Plus, you\'ve said you did the same thing the day before. I\'m not a doctor but in my opinion this is possibly far more dangerous than the anorexia you struggle with. Please get some professional help. I\'m sure there are so many people who know you and love you and would want to see you healthy and happy. I will pray for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Have you ever seen people who get the disease from bacteria from cuts and/or other issues which is called the \"flesh eating disease\"? You are a perfect candidate for that. I feel so badly for you but you are not thinking right - obviously. My doctor put be on Ambien for sleep - enough for 5 nights. I needed to break the habit of not being able to sleep. Well, after two nights I had suicidal thoughts - it affected me horribly and all I was lacking which was making me feel depressed before the damn Ambien was Vitamin D. Go to a good doctor - get all your bloodwork done - check out Vitamin D and then pour your heart out and get help for these afflictions. You can be helped. You\'re young, your pretty - stay that way. Please, please, please take control - cutting is not giving you control, it is giving you embarrassment, heartache and a dead end solution. Take care of yourself. I believe God helps us all but first you have to help yourself and pony up to your problems. My heart goes out to you. I will say a prayer. SUE
deleted_user
deleted_user

WTF!!! do you mean \" i got 6 bad ones and 4 OK ones??? darling they are ALL BAD please talk to someone
Alliegator
Alliegator

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. I talked to my roommate about it so she is going to watch out for me. I am going to try to stop again. I was in denial about the seriousness of cutting. I never thought it was harmful as long as you didn\'t hit an artery. I guess I was wrong. I am keeping them clean and making sure I don\'t cut again.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Dear Alliegator,

there must be something that is bordering you.
Please share with us, what do you have in mind.
What are you thinking @ those moment?

Life is tough, but we are got to endure it.
When you put off your emotion, thats where you find peace.
A Lot of times, those situation isnt that tough as you thought it would be,
but its the emotion / feeling in your thats difficult to put off with.
Please do share with us your feelings...
jady
jady

are you in counseling? you would do so much better if you let someone help you. all of us deal with something and i mean all of us. if you do not get help now it will elevate into even worse things the older you become. deal with it now. i know you can do it. prayers for healing from this addiction
jady
jady
jady

choose praying instead of all the other bad choices. God loves you and he wants you to depend on Him. you don\'t have to depend on yourself to get through any of this.
love you
jady