Writing a journal entry while I am on ambien may not be the best idea. But here it goes. I cut again today it is much worse than yesterdays cuts. I have 6 bad ones and 4 oka ones on my hip and two mild ones on my arm nd two very small ones on my other arm. I like it and hate it. I like seeing the cut, I like counting the cuts, watching them bleed. I hate the secrecy and itching that will follow. I hate worrying if everything is covered. Chanced are my one roommate finds out. She is super supportive and one of my best friends but least tome this happened she got freaked out. That was a year and a half ago tough. SHe might be more okay with it now. All I know is I should be talking to someone. Even though I don't want to. I just ant to give in. I feel so much better after I cut. It stops the anorexic thoughts and behaviors. Those are the ones that can kill you. Anorexia is much more life altering and threatening than cutting. I never cut deep enough for hospitalization so really the only down sides are some pain and maybe scars and itching. If that is all I have to put up with vs starvation and being obsessed about food and freaking out about lack of control over school work then I pick cutting. It helps the anxiety in the lease self destructive way I know how.