I hate that at the end of the day when I'm getting ready for bed I always review my day and worry about if I have made an ass out of myself. I end up regretting things I've said or done. I know its really not a big deal because I'm just being myself but at night that jr. high schooler in me comes out and I worry about what other people think of me. I wish I wasn't so insecure. I push out all of these thoughts I have about myself. I have so much self-hate. I feel like I have learned to love myself but I don't know if it is genuine or just a lie I have been telling myself. I am definitely more comfortable with myself but if I sit back and evaluate my life I don't know if I like who I am. I can accept it. I know it won't change but I don't know if it makes me happy. I don't even know if I am making any sense. I wish I was pretty. For some reason that is always the solution to my problems. If I was pretty I wouldn't have to worry bout what other people thought of me. Somehow being pretty is going to make my life better. I know its illogical but deep down I still believe that. I don't really believe my friends like me. I feel like they just put up with me. I am embarrassed that people have to look at me. Sometimes while I am talking or laughing I consciously think to myself "I wish I wasn't making people look at my face right now" I hate regret. I hate beating myself up about the things I do. They really aren't a big deal. I know I'm going to regret staying up this late tomorrow but I don't need to punish myself for it. Damn I want to cut so badly right now. I have too many flaws. If I was pretty I could get away with more of my flaws. ahhhh I wish all of these thoughts would stop.
Replies
I don\'t know why you don\'t think you are pretty, you make me want to be 15 years younger an single again ;)
I have sat around and wondered the exact same thing as you. I have had more than enough time to think about it, and what I have come to realize is that I don\'t want to be like the \"so called\" pretty people. I look at the attitudes of most of these people and they focus mainly on themselves. They seem to be the ones who cut you off in traffic, they are the rude and selfish ones, they are the ones who brag about what they have or what they are doing, and so on and so on.
I try to be accepting to everyone, I have moved past the point of people\'s \"looks\". I am not saying that I do not think there are people that are better looking than other people, but I firstly remove my thoughts on how people look. If the person I get to know is one of those rude selfish people, then I usually just let them go.
Back in high school I was lifeguarding at a lock-in and I met a friend there. At first I was focused on looks and I didn\'t want to talk to her or meet her......I was focused on looks. I started talking to her and her friend and the longer I talked to them......the farther away that looks mattered, I could see that they were good people.
Don\'t judge the looks, focus on the heart.
Flaws are honestly the most endearing things in a person. There I said it...