Monday, September 24, 2007Dear Jo,It's 1:33am and I"m still awake. I want to thank those who sent me birthday wishes and hugs. Thank You..I sincerely appreciate all of the caring thoughts..it meant alot to me.I haven't been here in a few days and I really missed it. I was too exhausted to be online. My dad likes to cook and he had a dinner party for his friends on Saturday so I'd been really tired all week w/house cleaning, food shopping, and helping him out w/everything. I was sad and happy @ the same time..so I guess you could say "bittersweet" because my dad has friends to have dinner for and I don't. I'm happy for him that he's got friends because he's a great guy and he deserves to have all the friends in the world. The reason I was sad is because I was thinking about the friends that I don't have. I have friends, but they are just too "busy" to bother w/me. They tell me they love me, but too busy to call me @ all and it really hurts. They'll say, "didn't we talk last week?"  "no?" "oh, it's been that long since we spoke?" "oh, i'm sorry I'm just so busy that...." While they're out living their lives, they're not realizing that they're hurting me that all it takes is a phone call. But, I guess the flip side to that is that they just don't want to hear about my illness anymore. They don't want to hear anything negative..they just want to hear happy things, which I can understand..truly understand. But in the same token, their rejection of me really hurts and I get so upset and mad @ the same time. I know that even if I was healthy, and married and had kids, I'd still find time to call them or visit them if the shoe was on the other foot, which, thank God it's not because I don't wish my life on anyone...ever. We are all different people and can only handle so much. Certain things that maybe I can handle, others may not be able to and vice versa. Perhaps, my friends can't handle my "medical" life and all that it entails. Well, either way, all I want is some caring, but I have to realize that it's not going to happen and to just accept it and move on. I have to move on and have acceptance of so many things and it's so hard sometimes. The way I handle things...hard things anyway..is first I dwell on issues until I'm all upset then I cry sometimes because by then I'm all emotionally worked up to the point that I can't handle it then I just start crying. Other times, I don't cry I just turn stone cold and shut down and dwell on suicide. By that point, thoughts of death bring me comfort to the point that I'm calm and feel @ peace w/no concerns,  other than the thought of being w/God and the fantasy thought that my pain is all over with. I'm tired and going to bed. I've exhausted myself. Good night...good morning.