Sunday, September 16, 2007

Dear Jo,

It's 11:30pm and I'm in pain.  Tomorrow is my birthday..so that cheers me up a bit. I have plans to have dinner w/my best friend and I'm looking forward to it. Being on Disability has made me very lonely because people just drop away. Except for places like this website, nobody out there wants to hear about your illness or that you're not feeling well. No one wants to hear you complaining because they've got problems of their own. People out there are very consumed w/their own lives and families which is normal, but it's the friends or relatives w/illness who are neglected, abandoned, left out. I'm just being negative. when I'm in pain, I'm negative. Instead of calling people and reaching out, which I don't anymore because no one wants to bother w/me..I do look for the small things to cheer myself up..like putting in one of my dvd's, or researching different things online, or reading, or tv. Sometimes I'll get up enough energy to go to the card store. I go right to the funny cards to try and cheer myself up. Usually by then, I'll feel much better because I've had a few laughs and bought a Starbucks and relaxed a bit. I'm more lighthearted by that point and my mood changes for the better. I don't do this as often as I should and that's because getting out of bed is the last thing I want to do when I'm in horrible pain.

How many of you out there have relied too heavily upon particular friends to make you feel good to the point where you've exhausted the friendship and that friend tells you, "I'm done w/you and your illness...it's too much for me to handle..it's always problems-problems w/you..."

Well..that's happened to me..The way I see it is that I lived and I learned the hard way. It's been a while since I've been that way. When people call, I don't complain, I just answer quickly whatever questions that pertain to my illness, and then I abruptly interrupt them by asking about their lives.

Allthough if it were me, I would be there for my friend who needed me. I wouldn't make someone I supposedly feel close..feel like they can't turn to me for support even when they've been "too much"..I'd think to myself.."ok, they're being too much, but it's for a reason because they're normally not like that and it's because of the disease, disability, the way they're feeling, the pain, the loneliness, the rejection of others..that they're being "too much" w/me."

If I thought that they were getting out of hand about it..then I'd gently say to them:

..Listen, I can't feel your pain and I don't know what you're going thru and I am here for you, but could you also talk w/a therapist about everything you're going thru because I can't solve all of your difficult problems?..I can help you as best as I can, but I'm not a therapist. I'm your friend and I love you very much and you can call me anytime day or night and I will always pick up the phone and talk to you, but sometimes I feel over whelmed by your problems and that's only due to the fact that I don't know how to help you other than to be here for you."  Please don't take it in a way that I am neglecting you, it's just that sometimes I feel like you depend upon me too much to the point where it's unhealthy."

Instead of people abandoning me, I'd want them to say what I wrote here right above. Doesn't that sound more caring and diplomatic than them just avoiding my calls and abandoning me?

All I know is that I deserve to be treated better than I've been. I don't deserve to be neglected. In my life, I've never turned away someone in need..even if I didn't know them. Turning away someone in emotional or physical pain is just so cruel and hurtful and selfish. I have such anger w/those who've neglected me..they're healthy, they're married, they have children, they're working. Even thopugh their lives aren't perfect and they have their problems..they're happy. How would they like it if their loved ones abandoned them? They would be devasted. I just want them to know what it feels like so that maybe they'll be more compassionate. I know that sounds cruel, but you know what?....sometimes a harsh dose of their own medicine will change their tune..hopefully anyway..

I'm sorry if I sound cruel, but I think it's just my anger that's talking because I sincerely don't want anyone to be abandoned or hurt. Because...say..tomorrow...something happened to them..I'd be there for them in a heartbeat and it's because I love them and value them as a human being.