Sunday, September 15, 2007Dear Jo,It's 12:27am and I'm feeling ok. Even though I have my disease, I've always wanted to do martial arts because I enjoy the sport. I'll watch UFC's The Ultimate Fighter show on the spike channel and it gets me all psyched up. TLC..The Learning Channel, Bravo Channel and the Discovery Channel all host Army, Navy, Airforce, Marines and Coast Guard programs on their basic training camps, missions, operations, etc. Those shows get me so pumped up as well. I need to lose so much weight as I've gained due to lack of activity~being home and on Disability. I used to work and kept so busy, but now..I can't and it makes me feel like a nobody. It also makes me feel inadequate. People have judged me because I'm on Disability. They think that I'm being lazy and that I don't want to work. They don't realize the pain I have because my disease is progressing. They're so used to me being so busy that they can't understand why I'm not anymore. @ first, they were supportive of me. They saw me working and then suddenly I just stopped, so they figured that I was in bad shape for me to just stop working and other activities. But then after a while, they thought that I was just being a nuisance by not working and complaining about my pain and the situation as well. After a while I stopped complaining about my pain and I just stay quiet. Unless they ask me how I'm feeling, I don't say anything anymore. Some say that if they were that close to me they would just understand my problems and not judge me, but it's not like that for me. All of my friends are married, w/children, healthy, working, playing, etc. My brother advised me to make friends w/people who understand illness and all that's involved. My brother suggested I go online to find online support groups and groups in my area to go to. I have to check the local hospitals to see if they have support groups where people get together and share their life stories, etc. I need to make new friends. As for my married friends, they've abandoned me. That tells me two things, that I'm worthless and no one likes me AND that my friends aren't real friends for them to abandon me in the first place. I feel so unloved and unwanted. No one loves me, no gives a shit whether I live or die. Nobody cares.
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I was feeling ok when I first started writing in my journal until I started thinking about the things I was writing about and then my mood changed. I wish God would just take me already.
People who judge us because we are on a pension or allowance are really very shallow and are not worth our consideration. We all have friends (usually in the past) or relations (whom we wish were in the past LOL) who think we are lazy and useless but I would like them to walk in our shoes for even a few hours and maybe, just maybe they might look at things in a different way. But in truth I hope that they don\'t have to as I think that most of them would not be able to cope with what we have to face each and every day.
By the way, be very, very careful what you wish for.
Have you considered locking your journals? A lot of us have been doing that because of a few people who are questionable.