Tuesday, September 11 2007Dear Jo,It's 12:25am and I've not gone to bed yet. I wish my life would get better. I have too much pain to get up and be active. The pain from my disease takes away any assemblance of life that I  have.  I'm just so tired as well. I just want to be loved, but I guess I don't deserve it because everyone has left my life. Since I've been on disability, everyone has just disappeared. And..when I do talk to them( which I'm tired of calling to the point where I'm almost "chasing") they just expect me to so happy and not have any problems because they don't want to hear it. I don't complain to them like I used to years back. I think that they're just sick of hearing me talk about my illness, but I don't talk about it, unless they ask me. I've learned to stop complaining and carrying on about my illness and everything that goes w/it. Now when I do talk to them, we talk only about their lives, which I like that better. But  people get tired of hearing the same thing day after day and year after year..as it's been 6 years that I've been on Disability. They don't understand that I've taken a turn for the worse, that my disease is now taking a toll on my everyday life. They think that I'm just bored and have nothing to do, so I just sit around and dwell and think about negative things, which of course is not true. I want this life to be over because I'm tired of the physical and emotional pain..it's so difficult I just want to sleep and not wake up.