At a Bible class I had a breakthrough with the unhappiness surrounding my mother-in-law. We were studying the fruit of the Spirit, and we were on love. We of course turned the love chapter, and the line "love does not keep a record of wrongs" stung. I realized that's what I had been doing. I could go through a list of the ways, perceived and real, that she had done wrong or hurt me. I spent a few days writing out a comprehensive list, and then one day I prayed, and erased them all one at a time. I've felt much better since then. I saved the empty document, too, to remind myself. And also to use again if she hurts me. I can write it down, and then erase it off her record. Like I should.
I had another breakthrough shortly after Memorial Day. We went to her house for lunch and games and stuff, and while I felt less antagonistic toward her, and we had an almost decent conversation in the kitchen, I still felt very out of place. They played sports the entire time. I have really weak ankles, and their yard is...well, it would be a bad idea for me to move faster than a walk. I almost turned my ankle walking, because I couldn't see a dip in the ground hidden by the grass. So sports were out for me, and I had to spend several hours watching everyone else have fun. I mean...even if I didn't have weak ankles, I'm just not a sports person. I really had no interest in playing volleyball or badminton anyway. Bad ankles was an excuse. It was vali8d, and a good reason not to be involved, but it was more an excuse because I really didn't want to play.
I had some negative and damaging experiences with sports when I was a child. I never understood the rules because no one explained them to me, and I was always bad at it anyway. Whenever, in school, we were put into teams, no one was happy to have me on their team, and I was always made to feel bad because I couldn't run fast, and was so terrible at everything. Even though I had friends at the time, I don't recall them ever being there for me during PE, either. So I was...made fun of, I guess you could say, because I was so bad and everyone wanted to win.
Anyway, I went home feeling sorry for myself (because that always helps *sarcasm*) and realized that part of why I always feel so left out and out of place is they don't ever do anything I really like to do. It's always things they enjoy. Which is fine, or, was fine, since they all enjoy them. But they set that standard before I lived here, and I'm different. I *don't* enjoy that stuff. So I'm always the odd one out. Also, the things they do never involve sitting down and actually talking to each other. It's always up, doing something, or watching a movie. No wonder I don't know any of them very well. They never communicate.
Anyway, the breakthrough came while I was talking to my husband about it. I had hoped, really, really hoped, that his family would be my first friends, like a built-in set. Like my family is. I hoped that because one, it's what I'm used to, and two, I needed that kind of foundation to work from as I tried to adjust and make new friends in a strange place. But as time went on and that didn't happen, I got more and more upset, because they were literally the only people I had to socialize with, and they just didn't give me the kind of support and interaction I needed so badly. In fact, it seemed almost like I didn't exist to them, and that hurt. Because I had no friends, and they were the closest I had to family, and they didn't really seem to care at all. They didn't reach out to me. my husband said that they're a hands-off family, that they're there when you need them, and no more. I told him that maybe they're there when he needs them, but they weren't there for me when *I* did. Which is true.
And I decided to give up. I decided that I'm no longer going to expect them to like me, or even act like a family. To my mind, that makes them not my family, pretty much. They're not my friends, because friends don't act like that. So they've been relegated to acquaintances. Near-strangers. Because that's what they are. Almost strangers. I'm not going to try and change that anymore. I'm going to make friends at church, and find a new family for myself there, that actually cares about me and shows it.
I'm not disowning them or anything. It kind of sounds like it, and it kind of sounds mean. But the reason I'm doing it is because if I have no expectations, they can't be disappointed constantly like they have been. If I don't expect them to be like a family to me, then how can I be disappointed when they act like they aren't? And that's my definition of family, by the way, which is apparently pretty different. My family are my best friends. We *want* to be with each other, talk to each other, spend time together. We want to know everything about what's going on with them, how they're doing, and we ask. My in-laws are not like that. And since that's what my definition of family is, then they aren't family and I can't expect that of them. That obviously doesn't remove the fact that I'm actually related to them now, and I have certain obligations, and that, technically, they are family even if I don't feel that way about them. But that's not the point. If I treat them as strangers, people that I see and don't really associate with at various functions, it's better than when I try to see them as family. Emotionally, I can handle it better, and it's not as painful or disappointing.
Anyway, that helped a lot with that. I'm not going to try and force myself to enjoy the things they do. I'm going to do what I like to do, even if I have to do it by myself. I'm not going to force myself to play sports, or watch movies that I think are stupid (and most of the ones they think are funny are, in my opinion). They can enjoy those, and that's fine. If it makes them laugh, that's great. But the humor isn't my style, and I'm not going to pretend it is anymore.
Anyway, all of that led up to yesterday.
I helped with a going-away party for a couple from church, and I got to talk to some of the women, which was really nice. The preacher's wife is super nice, and so was the lady hosting the party. Helping was fun, even though I don't really know anyone yet. I felt like I belonged there, though. More so than helping at my MIL's house, which is weird, because I've "known" her more than twice as long. I had fun at the party afterward, and talked to one of the elders for a while about us placing membership, and he was nice. He also cracked some funny jokes. Apparently, my husband only has two expressions that he uses at church, which I thought was funny, because according to him I have at least three.
When we got home afterward, I was asking my husband about a chocolate cake I'd promised to bake for him. I asked if he wanted a full-sized one or not, and when he said probably not, I said that then we couldn't give any to the neighbors or his mom (I'm not a total monster; I may feel a strong dislike or hurt where she's concerned, but that only makes me try harder to be nice. Which can be really annoying sometimes, but is still better than the alternative). He said that was true, and then I had the idea of having his family over for a little party. At first it was just a little gathering for dessert, but then I decided I wanted to have a Fourth of July party, and before I really realized what was going on, I was looking up decorations and recipes.
I had sooooo much fun doing it, too. I want to do a surprise-inside cake, cupcakes, fruit and marshmallow skewers, hamburgers, and a food table with little American flags and flowers. My husband commented that he didn't think he'd ever seen someone so excited for a party. And I was, really excited. The idea of planning the event myself, instead of just going over to someone's house, was exciting. It meant that I could choose the sort of things we'd do, and it would be fun for me, too. Plus, decorations and cooking, two of my favorite things. Even if I don;t have a ton of fun at the party itself, I'll still have fun setting everything up. And besides, this way, since I'm planning it, my MIL will have to talk to me about it, and not my husband. I actually sent her a message asking if she had a folding table we could borrow, and if they had anything planned that day. That was yesterday afternoon, and I know she's seen it, but she hasn't replied yet. I'm trying not to let the "she'll probably say she's busy" thing rear it's ugly head and turn into "she'd rather go somewhere else, even though I asked a month ahead of time." I'm still pretty negative and hurt where she's concerned. But I'm trying. And I plan to enjoy this party, even if she doesn't come. Because then I'll invite people from church.
I had another breakthrough shortly after Memorial Day. We went to her house for lunch and games and stuff, and while I felt less antagonistic toward her, and we had an almost decent conversation in the kitchen, I still felt very out of place. They played sports the entire time. I have really weak ankles, and their yard is...well, it would be a bad idea for me to move faster than a walk. I almost turned my ankle walking, because I couldn't see a dip in the ground hidden by the grass. So sports were out for me, and I had to spend several hours watching everyone else have fun. I mean...even if I didn't have weak ankles, I'm just not a sports person. I really had no interest in playing volleyball or badminton anyway. Bad ankles was an excuse. It was vali8d, and a good reason not to be involved, but it was more an excuse because I really didn't want to play.
I had some negative and damaging experiences with sports when I was a child. I never understood the rules because no one explained them to me, and I was always bad at it anyway. Whenever, in school, we were put into teams, no one was happy to have me on their team, and I was always made to feel bad because I couldn't run fast, and was so terrible at everything. Even though I had friends at the time, I don't recall them ever being there for me during PE, either. So I was...made fun of, I guess you could say, because I was so bad and everyone wanted to win.
Anyway, I went home feeling sorry for myself (because that always helps *sarcasm*) and realized that part of why I always feel so left out and out of place is they don't ever do anything I really like to do. It's always things they enjoy. Which is fine, or, was fine, since they all enjoy them. But they set that standard before I lived here, and I'm different. I *don't* enjoy that stuff. So I'm always the odd one out. Also, the things they do never involve sitting down and actually talking to each other. It's always up, doing something, or watching a movie. No wonder I don't know any of them very well. They never communicate.
Anyway, the breakthrough came while I was talking to my husband about it. I had hoped, really, really hoped, that his family would be my first friends, like a built-in set. Like my family is. I hoped that because one, it's what I'm used to, and two, I needed that kind of foundation to work from as I tried to adjust and make new friends in a strange place. But as time went on and that didn't happen, I got more and more upset, because they were literally the only people I had to socialize with, and they just didn't give me the kind of support and interaction I needed so badly. In fact, it seemed almost like I didn't exist to them, and that hurt. Because I had no friends, and they were the closest I had to family, and they didn't really seem to care at all. They didn't reach out to me. my husband said that they're a hands-off family, that they're there when you need them, and no more. I told him that maybe they're there when he needs them, but they weren't there for me when *I* did. Which is true.
And I decided to give up. I decided that I'm no longer going to expect them to like me, or even act like a family. To my mind, that makes them not my family, pretty much. They're not my friends, because friends don't act like that. So they've been relegated to acquaintances. Near-strangers. Because that's what they are. Almost strangers. I'm not going to try and change that anymore. I'm going to make friends at church, and find a new family for myself there, that actually cares about me and shows it.
I'm not disowning them or anything. It kind of sounds like it, and it kind of sounds mean. But the reason I'm doing it is because if I have no expectations, they can't be disappointed constantly like they have been. If I don't expect them to be like a family to me, then how can I be disappointed when they act like they aren't? And that's my definition of family, by the way, which is apparently pretty different. My family are my best friends. We *want* to be with each other, talk to each other, spend time together. We want to know everything about what's going on with them, how they're doing, and we ask. My in-laws are not like that. And since that's what my definition of family is, then they aren't family and I can't expect that of them. That obviously doesn't remove the fact that I'm actually related to them now, and I have certain obligations, and that, technically, they are family even if I don't feel that way about them. But that's not the point. If I treat them as strangers, people that I see and don't really associate with at various functions, it's better than when I try to see them as family. Emotionally, I can handle it better, and it's not as painful or disappointing.
Anyway, that helped a lot with that. I'm not going to try and force myself to enjoy the things they do. I'm going to do what I like to do, even if I have to do it by myself. I'm not going to force myself to play sports, or watch movies that I think are stupid (and most of the ones they think are funny are, in my opinion). They can enjoy those, and that's fine. If it makes them laugh, that's great. But the humor isn't my style, and I'm not going to pretend it is anymore.
Anyway, all of that led up to yesterday.
I helped with a going-away party for a couple from church, and I got to talk to some of the women, which was really nice. The preacher's wife is super nice, and so was the lady hosting the party. Helping was fun, even though I don't really know anyone yet. I felt like I belonged there, though. More so than helping at my MIL's house, which is weird, because I've "known" her more than twice as long. I had fun at the party afterward, and talked to one of the elders for a while about us placing membership, and he was nice. He also cracked some funny jokes. Apparently, my husband only has two expressions that he uses at church, which I thought was funny, because according to him I have at least three.
When we got home afterward, I was asking my husband about a chocolate cake I'd promised to bake for him. I asked if he wanted a full-sized one or not, and when he said probably not, I said that then we couldn't give any to the neighbors or his mom (I'm not a total monster; I may feel a strong dislike or hurt where she's concerned, but that only makes me try harder to be nice. Which can be really annoying sometimes, but is still better than the alternative). He said that was true, and then I had the idea of having his family over for a little party. At first it was just a little gathering for dessert, but then I decided I wanted to have a Fourth of July party, and before I really realized what was going on, I was looking up decorations and recipes.
I had sooooo much fun doing it, too. I want to do a surprise-inside cake, cupcakes, fruit and marshmallow skewers, hamburgers, and a food table with little American flags and flowers. My husband commented that he didn't think he'd ever seen someone so excited for a party. And I was, really excited. The idea of planning the event myself, instead of just going over to someone's house, was exciting. It meant that I could choose the sort of things we'd do, and it would be fun for me, too. Plus, decorations and cooking, two of my favorite things. Even if I don;t have a ton of fun at the party itself, I'll still have fun setting everything up. And besides, this way, since I'm planning it, my MIL will have to talk to me about it, and not my husband. I actually sent her a message asking if she had a folding table we could borrow, and if they had anything planned that day. That was yesterday afternoon, and I know she's seen it, but she hasn't replied yet. I'm trying not to let the "she'll probably say she's busy" thing rear it's ugly head and turn into "she'd rather go somewhere else, even though I asked a month ahead of time." I'm still pretty negative and hurt where she's concerned. But I'm trying. And I plan to enjoy this party, even if she doesn't come. Because then I'll invite people from church.
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