It's been a while. We have the house to ourselves now, it's just the garage that has my MIL's stuff in it, and it's getting slowly emptied, too. But with Christmas nearly here, my husband's work load got much, much bigger. So now our living room is a disaster, even though it's looking a lot better than it was a week ago.
The last few weeks have been...interesting for me. I've had very little desire to do anything, and for a while, I had no appetite, either. My husband and I thought I might be dealing with depression, but if I am it's the kind that isn't constant (there is one, apparently) because I'm feeling better now. But I had moodswings, no desire for food, and no desire to do anything around the house, either.
And with the holidays here, I've been missing my family. I haven't felt very much like Christmas is on its way, except for the night we decorated our tree. All of my family's traditions are taking place across the country, without me. And, unfortunately, doing them here either won't work or will only make me miss everything more.
To make things more complicated, things with my grandpa have been getting worse. When I left, he was a little paranoid, and a little distrustful, and was saying bad things about my grandma to anyone who would listen. Now the family business is barely afloat, and he's accused my mom of lying about her hours, my uncle of stealing, and just today wrote a letter telling my mom and her siblings not to get him anything for Christmas because it would hurt him. It's my mom's opinion that he's doing this so he doesn't feel an obligation to get them anything.And my own parents are dealing with a financial crisis, and with half their income tied up in the family business, it's even more stressful than usual.
So I can't really talk to my mom about what's going on with me. She's just going to worry about that, too, then.
My two best friends are really busy in their own lives, too. One lives in Georgia, the other in Oregon. The one in Oregon, her mother has a cancer. The kind that doesn't go into remission, and is really rare. Her mom will eventually die from it. So I can't really unburden myself on her. And the friend in Georgia is really sporadic with texting, so it's hard to talk to her. All of which leaves me with only my husband to talk to.
So, no real social or support network. I've been pretty lonely, and haven't had anyone to really talk to. I'm very selective about my friends. Because it's so easy for me to get hurt, it's best if they understand me on many levels. Those people are rare and hard to find. Which makes me sad.And also gives me no one to talk to.And I have a lot I'd like to talk about.
Like, the Christmas we had last week with my husband's family.
My husband and his three brothers and sister all gathered at his mom's house. The oldest of his brother's brought his fiancee, and the youngest of his brothers was supposed to bring his girlfriend (she wasn't allowed to come because her parents heard that he'd been sick and freaked out). Before we left, I was fairly certain that the gift giving was going to result in me not getting much. My experiences before made me think that I was liked less than my husband's future sister-in-law. So, naturally, I expected to not get much. I felt much better, though, when I got at least the same number of gifts. it seems like a really shallow way to look at it, but still. I was further gratified when my husband's sister (who is nine years old) asked me to help her put together one of her toys.
I do feel a little better about my in laws now. Again, it seems really...mean, or selfish, to look at it this way, but it seems like a sign that they do like me as much as this other girl. Or that I at least have a unique place with them that she can't fill. My sister in law asked me to help her. She could have asked anyone, but she asked me. It makes me feel warm inside.
It even makes me feel less disappointed that no one seemed to eat any of the things I made for Thanksgiving. They, apparently, don't like turkey, and for some reason almost no one ate any of the cheesecake I made. But I'm going to make chocolate cake for Christmas, and my husband says they do like chocolate. I'll even sneak some fruit in there with candied orange slices.
The last few weeks have been...interesting for me. I've had very little desire to do anything, and for a while, I had no appetite, either. My husband and I thought I might be dealing with depression, but if I am it's the kind that isn't constant (there is one, apparently) because I'm feeling better now. But I had moodswings, no desire for food, and no desire to do anything around the house, either.
And with the holidays here, I've been missing my family. I haven't felt very much like Christmas is on its way, except for the night we decorated our tree. All of my family's traditions are taking place across the country, without me. And, unfortunately, doing them here either won't work or will only make me miss everything more.
To make things more complicated, things with my grandpa have been getting worse. When I left, he was a little paranoid, and a little distrustful, and was saying bad things about my grandma to anyone who would listen. Now the family business is barely afloat, and he's accused my mom of lying about her hours, my uncle of stealing, and just today wrote a letter telling my mom and her siblings not to get him anything for Christmas because it would hurt him. It's my mom's opinion that he's doing this so he doesn't feel an obligation to get them anything.And my own parents are dealing with a financial crisis, and with half their income tied up in the family business, it's even more stressful than usual.
So I can't really talk to my mom about what's going on with me. She's just going to worry about that, too, then.
My two best friends are really busy in their own lives, too. One lives in Georgia, the other in Oregon. The one in Oregon, her mother has a cancer. The kind that doesn't go into remission, and is really rare. Her mom will eventually die from it. So I can't really unburden myself on her. And the friend in Georgia is really sporadic with texting, so it's hard to talk to her. All of which leaves me with only my husband to talk to.
So, no real social or support network. I've been pretty lonely, and haven't had anyone to really talk to. I'm very selective about my friends. Because it's so easy for me to get hurt, it's best if they understand me on many levels. Those people are rare and hard to find. Which makes me sad.And also gives me no one to talk to.And I have a lot I'd like to talk about.
Like, the Christmas we had last week with my husband's family.
My husband and his three brothers and sister all gathered at his mom's house. The oldest of his brother's brought his fiancee, and the youngest of his brothers was supposed to bring his girlfriend (she wasn't allowed to come because her parents heard that he'd been sick and freaked out). Before we left, I was fairly certain that the gift giving was going to result in me not getting much. My experiences before made me think that I was liked less than my husband's future sister-in-law. So, naturally, I expected to not get much. I felt much better, though, when I got at least the same number of gifts. it seems like a really shallow way to look at it, but still. I was further gratified when my husband's sister (who is nine years old) asked me to help her put together one of her toys.
I do feel a little better about my in laws now. Again, it seems really...mean, or selfish, to look at it this way, but it seems like a sign that they do like me as much as this other girl. Or that I at least have a unique place with them that she can't fill. My sister in law asked me to help her. She could have asked anyone, but she asked me. It makes me feel warm inside.
It even makes me feel less disappointed that no one seemed to eat any of the things I made for Thanksgiving. They, apparently, don't like turkey, and for some reason almost no one ate any of the cheesecake I made. But I'm going to make chocolate cake for Christmas, and my husband says they do like chocolate. I'll even sneak some fruit in there with candied orange slices.
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