I woke up this morning feeling that something was wrong. Despite what my husband says, I simply don't feel wanted. I might logically know that I am, but as a woman and an HSP, I don't feel it. So it's not real.
I was awake, but didn't want to face him when he woke up this morning, so I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. He got up and left. He's comfortable everywhere in this house. Yet he chooses to be downstairs, the place where I am the most uncomfortable. He asks me if it's okay with me if he plays an online game with his best friend, tells me he has to work. The problem is, that means I go to bed alone most nights, and I'm asleep when he does finally show up. We wake up in the morning, and he immediately goes downstairs most of the time. I stay up here, and make the bed, get dressed, brush my hair, all that stuff, and then go downstairs to make him breakfast and do the kitchen chores. While he's still on the computer.
I get that he has to be on the computer a lot for work. I do. But sometimes when I go down there, he's not working. He's playing a basketball game with his brother, or watching TV. He thanks me when I cook for him, and he wants me to feel at home here.
But I don't feel like I'm wanted here. I don't feel like I'm needed here. The stuff I do, it just wouldn't get done if I was gone. And they wouldn't care. It seems like the extra time he gets from not having to cook or do laundry is time spent on his computer.
And then, I wish I could just stop taking birth control. There's literally no reason for me to be taking it now, since he doesn't seem interested in sex. And then at least I wouldn't have to deal with the painful and constant cramps that I have because of it. I didn't have to deal with that during my last period. I could have stopped taking birth control, and had a normal period. But I didn't, because I thought he'd still want me. Well, I don't feel wanted, the birth control isn't doing anything but make me miserable when I'm on a period, and I really am sick of this. I'm miserable, I'm lonely, and I don't know how to talk to him about it.
If he really wanted me, then surely his worry that his family will walk in on us wouldn't matter so much. There have been plenty of times when they were gone or sleeping and he did nothing.
He doesn't want me to suffer in silence. Well, I'm suffering in silence. And honestly, I kinda want to go home. But if I said that to him, he'd be hurt. He'll say that this is my home now. It doesn't feel like home. It feels like a place where I have to be to be the housekeeper and cook, and no one really wants me here.
And there's a part of me that knows it's not true, and that it has to be my SPS acting up to make me feel so horrifically bad. So I don't say anything and hope it'll go away, which I know is stupid and won't change anything. And I can't talk to him in person. I just can't. I can't explain anything in person. Not to him, not to anyone.
Can I quit now? Just...quit? Live alone and never have to deal with any of it again?