I delayed getting my license for years. I got my permit when I was sixteen, and then didn't drive much until a few months ago. For reference, I'm now twenty-three.
Because I'm going to be getting married and moving, I thought I should get my driver's license before, so that I could take it in a familiar place and then just have to take a written test when I'm done moving. So I worked really hard, drove pretty much everywhere, for months. My dad, who is the best driver I know, drove a delivery truck for years, and learned to drive from a retired NASCAR driver, told me I would pass my test the first time.
So I scheduled my test, and went in to take it. I was so nervous in the waiting area that my hands were like ice and I was shaking. And then I saw the examiner.
Thank you, HSP, for telling me that, on first sight, this woman was going to fail me.
She walked into the room and gave me the immediate impression that she was in a hurry, didn't really want to do this, was totally no-nonsense, and would watch me for every mistake like a hawk prepared to eat me alive. I also was under the impression that she was wearing a figurative suit of armor, and didn't care about me as a person at all. I was another number. Another wannabe driver to make her day worse.
I failed spectacularly, simply because she was in the car with me. Every mistake I made on the course itself was one that was only made because she put me on edge and made me nervous. I was so distracted by her presence, the aura of her abrupt and callous personality, that I failed to slow down to make corners (four times), and stopped in a crosswalk (once). I had failed before I even made it into the parking lot, where I didn't notice another driver backing out of a parking spot in front of me. Automatic fail. But I'd failed already, and I knew it, because I'd heard her put pen to paper three times. I'd seen the score sheet. I knew each infraction cut down my score by at least ten points, and that seventy-five was the lowest passing score.
She said I wasn't paying enough attention. I was paying too much attention. To her. I failed because she was a palpable presence in the car. The mistakes I made? Going too fast? I didn't have a problem with that until she walked into my life.
And then, as if I wasn't disappointed and hurt enough, she went over every single tiny mistake I made. Most of which I was already aware of. In great detail. Several times. In a cold, matter-of-fact way. By that time, I was hurting, disappointed, and close to tears, as well as feeling that I was the most terrible driver and that it was a miracle I hadn't killed anyone yet. Out of desperation, I asked her if there was anything I had done well. She stared at me for a second, thinking, before she said that she supposed I had done my lane changes all right. Then she asked if I wanted to schedule a second test. I told her there was absolutely no point, that I was moving. Then I walked away from her, and didn't look at her again.
I got my mom, and we sat in the car as I cried.
I know it's not really a reasonable response, but I told my mom that I never wanted to drive again. I still don't want to drive again, because every time I get in the car, now, I'll remember that. I don't want to try and test again, because...if I do it here, I'll have to face her again. And I'll just fail again, because the reason I failed wasn't that my driving was bad. It was that I couldn't take having her there, watching me. And if I can't handle that, why should I believe I'm going to be able to handle driving alone? Why should I believe it will ever be safe for me to drive? And why, for goodness sakes, should I believe I'll ever pass?
So I've been grieving over it for days. I could probably say it was traumatic for me.
I obviously haven't been taking it well. It still stings. But more than that, it's disappointing, because...I believed my dad when he said I was a better driver than most drivers on the road. But the examiner is objective. She's been doing it for a very long time. And I can't handle a stranger in the car. It would be dangerous for me to have a license unless I learn how to handle it. So now, because I failed, I have to take any test in a strange state. Which will only make my chances of passing even worse. So...no license for me. And that hurts the most.
Because I'm going to be getting married and moving, I thought I should get my driver's license before, so that I could take it in a familiar place and then just have to take a written test when I'm done moving. So I worked really hard, drove pretty much everywhere, for months. My dad, who is the best driver I know, drove a delivery truck for years, and learned to drive from a retired NASCAR driver, told me I would pass my test the first time.
So I scheduled my test, and went in to take it. I was so nervous in the waiting area that my hands were like ice and I was shaking. And then I saw the examiner.
Thank you, HSP, for telling me that, on first sight, this woman was going to fail me.
She walked into the room and gave me the immediate impression that she was in a hurry, didn't really want to do this, was totally no-nonsense, and would watch me for every mistake like a hawk prepared to eat me alive. I also was under the impression that she was wearing a figurative suit of armor, and didn't care about me as a person at all. I was another number. Another wannabe driver to make her day worse.
I failed spectacularly, simply because she was in the car with me. Every mistake I made on the course itself was one that was only made because she put me on edge and made me nervous. I was so distracted by her presence, the aura of her abrupt and callous personality, that I failed to slow down to make corners (four times), and stopped in a crosswalk (once). I had failed before I even made it into the parking lot, where I didn't notice another driver backing out of a parking spot in front of me. Automatic fail. But I'd failed already, and I knew it, because I'd heard her put pen to paper three times. I'd seen the score sheet. I knew each infraction cut down my score by at least ten points, and that seventy-five was the lowest passing score.
She said I wasn't paying enough attention. I was paying too much attention. To her. I failed because she was a palpable presence in the car. The mistakes I made? Going too fast? I didn't have a problem with that until she walked into my life.
And then, as if I wasn't disappointed and hurt enough, she went over every single tiny mistake I made. Most of which I was already aware of. In great detail. Several times. In a cold, matter-of-fact way. By that time, I was hurting, disappointed, and close to tears, as well as feeling that I was the most terrible driver and that it was a miracle I hadn't killed anyone yet. Out of desperation, I asked her if there was anything I had done well. She stared at me for a second, thinking, before she said that she supposed I had done my lane changes all right. Then she asked if I wanted to schedule a second test. I told her there was absolutely no point, that I was moving. Then I walked away from her, and didn't look at her again.
I got my mom, and we sat in the car as I cried.
I know it's not really a reasonable response, but I told my mom that I never wanted to drive again. I still don't want to drive again, because every time I get in the car, now, I'll remember that. I don't want to try and test again, because...if I do it here, I'll have to face her again. And I'll just fail again, because the reason I failed wasn't that my driving was bad. It was that I couldn't take having her there, watching me. And if I can't handle that, why should I believe I'm going to be able to handle driving alone? Why should I believe it will ever be safe for me to drive? And why, for goodness sakes, should I believe I'll ever pass?
So I've been grieving over it for days. I could probably say it was traumatic for me.
I obviously haven't been taking it well. It still stings. But more than that, it's disappointing, because...I believed my dad when he said I was a better driver than most drivers on the road. But the examiner is objective. She's been doing it for a very long time. And I can't handle a stranger in the car. It would be dangerous for me to have a license unless I learn how to handle it. So now, because I failed, I have to take any test in a strange state. Which will only make my chances of passing even worse. So...no license for me. And that hurts the most.
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