My fiancee and I were discussing our honeymoon a little bit today, and I realized a few things.
First, that for the first time ever, I won't be in the house of my parents. I won't be subject to their rules, or to cater to what my siblings want. I won't have to think about a crowd of people and their feelings or wants. I only have to think about the man that will be my husband and myself.
And that's when I realized that...while I may know what my fiancee wants, I don't know what I want. And I never really have.
I always have to think of other people. Not only am I an HSP, but I was raised by one. My mother is an HSP as well, and she taught me to be selfless and to think of others. Which is a noble thing, really. But it's kept me from ever really being able to think of myself.
I tried to think of something to do that I wanted, if I could do anything without affecting anyone. And I couldn't think of a single thing.
My fiancee wants to do something that we'll both enjoy. He's adamant about two things. One, that it be together, and two, that it be something I'll get as much from as he will. My reaction to that was that the first one is reasonable, and the second is ridiculous.
While I can see why it would be important to him, I simply can't put myself into his shoes in this instance. To me, the idea of someone refusing to do something - anything - that they would like just because I won't like it too is foreign and a little insane. Because I can't see that as a good reason to dismiss something that he would like.
I honestly don't know what I want in almost any situation. And I guess that's a little depressing. I'll finally be able to do pretty much anything I want, and that will probably consist of staying home all the time, because I don't have anything else. The idea of being able to get up and drive somewhere when I want is...alien. Being able to go and do things that I want when I want seems wrong. I have this weird fear that being able to do the things I want will only result in the saddening realization that there isn't really anything I want.
First, that for the first time ever, I won't be in the house of my parents. I won't be subject to their rules, or to cater to what my siblings want. I won't have to think about a crowd of people and their feelings or wants. I only have to think about the man that will be my husband and myself.
And that's when I realized that...while I may know what my fiancee wants, I don't know what I want. And I never really have.
I always have to think of other people. Not only am I an HSP, but I was raised by one. My mother is an HSP as well, and she taught me to be selfless and to think of others. Which is a noble thing, really. But it's kept me from ever really being able to think of myself.
I tried to think of something to do that I wanted, if I could do anything without affecting anyone. And I couldn't think of a single thing.
My fiancee wants to do something that we'll both enjoy. He's adamant about two things. One, that it be together, and two, that it be something I'll get as much from as he will. My reaction to that was that the first one is reasonable, and the second is ridiculous.
While I can see why it would be important to him, I simply can't put myself into his shoes in this instance. To me, the idea of someone refusing to do something - anything - that they would like just because I won't like it too is foreign and a little insane. Because I can't see that as a good reason to dismiss something that he would like.
I honestly don't know what I want in almost any situation. And I guess that's a little depressing. I'll finally be able to do pretty much anything I want, and that will probably consist of staying home all the time, because I don't have anything else. The idea of being able to get up and drive somewhere when I want is...alien. Being able to go and do things that I want when I want seems wrong. I have this weird fear that being able to do the things I want will only result in the saddening realization that there isn't really anything I want.
Replies