Great....
My mom found the razors in the altiods tin. Im just awful at hiding things...lol. But it blew over pretty fast. I did not use them, so yay me I managed to not do it, and I was actually inacurate previously about how long it has been. Thats how long since my dad has been in jail. I have not cut in about a year and a half maybe two? Its been a year and a half since I was put in the hospital. Anywho im fine guys, meaning Im not bleeding to death or anything, just majorly depressesd. My mom and I are fighting a bit because she is having a hard time understanding the SI thing. She has so many questions I just can't answer fully like Why I do it. Honestly, I don't know. :/ I just found myself having a hard time resisting.
I started in sixth grade, with thumb tacks just to, "dip a toe" and try to understand why everyone around me was doing it. What were they getting out of it? I wanted relief anyway possible. Tacks turned to scissors then razors untill I was full blown cutting. scratches are easy for others to dismiss, wristfuls of blood, not so much. Turns out, no relief. Just a very odd addiction. I suppose it is a bit different because I am a carver, meaning I make pictures and words instead of lines just for the hell of it. It became a ritual for people I loved and thought I was loosing(Like a BF) or a way to externalize how I was feeling. Never liked the pain, and maybe if I kept it up I eventually would. Who knows.... I just kinda want it back. It's just no longer an option. None of this makes sense and still after so much therapy, Im still working out the why's.
"My" horse Fiona, a haflinger/Quarter Horse cross is my best friend. Of course my chihoohoo olllie is too. I love animals and music, the two things that saved my life. I have them and my mom(although unhealthy as me) so I will be okay for know. Just hit a low point I guess. Im a writer and was told im good at it but Im a bit rusty since I havent written in freaking forever. I find it difficult to sit down and focus on writing. This journal entry is difficult even but I want to write again and you guys deserve to know im okay. <3 love to all. Never want to scare anyone, just need to say theese things where people are listening.
I started in sixth grade, with thumb tacks just to, "dip a toe" and try to understand why everyone around me was doing it. What were they getting out of it? I wanted relief anyway possible. Tacks turned to scissors then razors untill I was full blown cutting. scratches are easy for others to dismiss, wristfuls of blood, not so much. Turns out, no relief. Just a very odd addiction. I suppose it is a bit different because I am a carver, meaning I make pictures and words instead of lines just for the hell of it. It became a ritual for people I loved and thought I was loosing(Like a BF) or a way to externalize how I was feeling. Never liked the pain, and maybe if I kept it up I eventually would. Who knows.... I just kinda want it back. It's just no longer an option. None of this makes sense and still after so much therapy, Im still working out the why's.
"My" horse Fiona, a haflinger/Quarter Horse cross is my best friend. Of course my chihoohoo olllie is too. I love animals and music, the two things that saved my life. I have them and my mom(although unhealthy as me) so I will be okay for know. Just hit a low point I guess. Im a writer and was told im good at it but Im a bit rusty since I havent written in freaking forever. I find it difficult to sit down and focus on writing. This journal entry is difficult even but I want to write again and you guys deserve to know im okay. <3 love to all. Never want to scare anyone, just need to say theese things where people are listening.
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