WTF

I don't know what's going on with me lately.
 
Sure there's the infatuation with work, because it's a huge stress and 'trying to figure out what i want' thing... but there's also the dreams.
 
I have re-occuring dreams about looking for or losing my ex, and his mum.
 
I never got closure on that relationships, in fact I sabotaged it through my depression but both of us didn't want it to end. It was clearly poor communication. I just can't believe we have not seen each other since the break up in 2004.
It's so many years later now but I have this ongoing love for him and regret that I didn't pursue him.
I was like a child to his mother, and I adored his family and they me.
It's horrible to carry this and yet so impossible to give it away. If only I could have told him and his mum how in love I was with him and them all. I needed them to remain in my life.
I saw a photo recently of him in his band with a baby in the picture and that just made me remember how I wanted him to be the father of my children. It brings me to tears... I miss you Tom and you will never know..