wow. I know it's the new years but I have been packing in the junk!!!! I'm so bored and lonely, I know it's the two main reasons i'm turning to food but I don't want to hassle my boyfriend or get sick of him in spending too much time wiht him and I dont' know where I can find more supporting friends- or more friends that I get along with in general that are real... not online lol as much as I love to find friends on here too..I'm sick of feeling this flabbiness (and knowing all too well it's my own fault/ i'm DOING something actively to keep the extra weight on) and it's a viscious cycle of guilt and disappointment. help me... oh please help me! I have a friend that i'm kind of jealous of. She went from being medium large and a little flabby (as I'm a bit now) to really slim and absolutely hot and sexy as! The one that everyone turns their heads to ya know?. Man I want to be that again... I feel like i'm not that anymore. I feel that ever since my boy looked at porn that he wants to be with that kind of girl secretly and that i am not enough. I AM NOT ENOUGH. Man it really hurts. I really think it's fantastic that she achieved her weight loss goals in such a short bout of time though. I was skeptical at first (thinking she used laxatives or something) but now I see that is because of my problematic realtionship with food that has developed over the past year.. and she's actually been sticking really stricktly to eating well and working out daily.. I mean she's so tiny now, who would have thought!!!!! I want to be in control like that. Anorexics can do it- I admire that in a weird kind of way where as over-eaters just are so out of control that their behaviours reflect that and have been there.... it's obvious in my skin. I want things to run smoothly and I dont' want to run into boredom or hide my habits. I want to be free of this and see the workings of my efforts outwardly.. I feel like i'm not seeing results or that I can even ahieve them.. I guess it comes from this a bit:Last year I tried so fricking hard, I worked out pretty much every day solidly and intensly - in the meantime I was eating junk so not getting anywhere very much on the outside... but despite that it was frustrating because I was really trying!! trying and trying some more- The food was out of control and yet i was trying in other areas and that wasn't fixing it.And now i've developed asthma and that makes the working out difficult, :( I'll try and break it down.. but I fear i'm just not getting anywhere- nowhere fast as that incubus song goes. For now i'm going to swim every morning for 40min and walk my dog each night as well as some ab exercises with my medicine ball and try to reverse my meals. I just feel so alone in these eating habits and it makes me terrified that i'm going to eat myself into depression rather than out of it. If someone out there reads this... sigh.. i just would love someone to talk to if i feel i'm spinning out of control eating wise or to have a partner in crime.. in other words to be accountable for them and them for I.
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First off. I know exactly what you are going through.
For a whole couple years i had the best body and everyone of my friends harldy compared(that is how i felt anyways) I felt that everyone was always looking at me jealously and that felt good to me. But i was doing it all wrong, i wasn\'t eat right and i was hurting my body so bad and i was hospitalized and lost alot of relationships with friends and famliy. Reltaionships tha ti am still trying to mend. After i went through the starvation of it all food, friends and family i decided i wanted to be different even if that meant not caring what i ate and eating tons and tons of junk food. I did this for about 4 years.... (and it may have been because i had lost some kind of nutrient in my body that it needed so i was craving it from other things, and if that didn\'t work i turned to junk). So over those four years of trying to feed my body back to normal i became an excessive eater.... always binging on junk foods that made me feel good. My cover up was that i didn\'t care that i at least i was eating (wich was true). After a long four years of this undercover guilt and trying to change my eating patterns constantly.....but failing miserably evertime but getting back up and trying again. I finally feel like i am in a place now where my goal is to eat healthy and excersese regularly, along with some yoga and mediation i have been trying, its like no longer my goal is to be really skinny and look better then my friends (0r try to get the people in my life to love me for what i look like....(because those who love you truly love you.. love you because you are you... and not anyone one else)
I have realized i dont need to worry so much about what i eat the junk food i intake... i know that some days i will eat alot of junk food, and some days i will not...as long as my ultimate goal is to take care of myself and be healthy and try continuously to succeed at my goals to excersise and relax and love myself for EXACTLY what i look like ...then i have no reason to compare myself to anyone else----because just wanting to be healthy...is much more admirable and sexy then wanting to look good(and sometimes looking good)
If your boyfriend looks at porn, i can honestly say that there maybe other reason for him looking at it then because they are sexy and skinny. If i was to look at a magazine that had a bunch a chubby women (that i knew where really healthy and confident) i would probably get turned on to.. and im not even a lesbian. There is just something about porn that is sexy.. and although he probably gets that from you sometimes i think men just like to fantasize about the impossible. (probably explains why guys really like action movies that have huge explosions and in them and scary movies that have things in them that could never really exist.
Anyways i know this is really long but i know that with resiliance, effort and motivation. You can achieve what it is you want. Hopefully what you want to is to be as healthy as you possibly can be in mind and body.
I love you! :) Im ruting for you....
PS: No one is perfect we only do our best.