I don't feel satisfied with my days. I realise it's up to me, yet I find myself wasting them. I'll admit I should be using this time to study for my exams and I'm using the time to watch dvds and binge instead.. I dont know where to start with studying exams and I have two more assessments yet to do. I don't feel empowered or motivated- I barely can get myself going for anything anymore but glad i've found a new church that I do want to go to and I am motivated to go there. There aren't any youth there unfortunately but I know that the holy spirit is alive there and it's not a stale church. It's like I am hiding or something. I need so badly to find myself again. Im fighting against uni not being where I want to be but faced with so much heaviness about what I have to do anyway because I refuse to drop out. Some days I think I feel numb and just like i'm rolling along- this is where I usually fall into chocolate bingeing because I feel like it makes me feel alive with pleasure.Some days I want to just do something crazy sexually with my partner because that too, makes me feel alive. But I so often feel un-attractive, what with all this weight gain and disappointment in myself and also how he used to look at porn weighing on my mind all too often. I just keep thinking how it was okay for him to look at porn while he didn't tell me dating me and yet I can't hang out with an ex boyfriend as a mate or something like that.I also don't have any great friends to count on. And I just want to get out so much more than I do - mY days are so lonely... Of course I thank God that I have them! and for my wonderful job which makes me happy to do it. I guess I need to draw closer to God and keep seeking God. I hate feeling fat, if I was skinny it's all about how I'd feel sexy and have my boyfriend see that the food isn't getting the better of me and that I can cope in a healthy way without that addiction. I'll feel more attractive to him, and feel like I won't be at risk of being 'bad porn'.I miss him not taking me out, it makes me really sad that he has anxiety and won't go out anywhere of any distance.... especially because that means he won't take me out anywhere. sometimes I wonder if I could have found a guy that doesn't have this fault- I could really maximize the time and have some real 'living it up'. I mean i'm young, isn't that what young partners are supposed to be doing?????? It's money too I guess. He doesn't really buy me anything, I know he's saving but... I got a ring once in the two years we've been dating and that was after I felt I pushed him about it a lot.Maybe I have been spoilt by other guys, that doesn't help and I hate to compare but I just want to feel a lot more special than I do right now- and from him, not another guy. If I wanted another guy I would have got one by now, or would I? Also the reality of my uncle Johns terminal cancer is sinking in as he's pain is getting a bit worse. I want to be so positive... I want God to bless him. It's a strange situation.I will try and get my act together a bit more and realise tommorrow is a new day but really I feel like I am still stuck in a rutt...... Oh what can I do - I know saying i'm going to do something doesn't change everything!!The person I want to be is:- Slim and in control (not bingeing and stressed and unwell) and I want to look good for summer otherwise I am not getting into a bikini full stop- Diligent, sets my mind to do something and does it, follows through- Has friends, people like me and want to hang out with me- Is motivated and lives every day with purpose, not in compromise- Productive, organized and creative... sticks to a diet and makes fashion clothes!