Seeling counsellor today.Two MAJOR assessments due, feeling very anxious and hard to get my head around doing it.Keep having thoughts about how fat I am, all this weight i've put on, and how I hate my body but I don't want to.I feel like i'm a mess.. Anyway, going to try more to be positive still. 5pm.Okay i've seen the counsellor, surprisingly i'm glad that I did!!!! Funny how it worked because originally I wasn't able to see the one I wanted, but her appointment didn't show and I got the one I wanted who's been on holidays for ages- the same I used to see.I feel so happy that I saw her and that I can see now that I can let my journal entries be mean, angry, rather than trying to fix myself and reorganize myself and forcing myself to sound happier. Fact is I downright hate myself and don't want to live sometimes. I hate that but I still feel it. I fear weight gain, I fear failure, I fear that part of me sometimes- and it's okay to admit it. I may be similar to an alcoholic where choc is concerned so i'm going to take choc drinks instead to try and eliminate it out of my body and try something stronger than st johns wort.Sigh. I got an extension for one assessment, a short one but it's what I needed. I'm so glad, that takes so much pressure off!!!!!!!! Now I can cope to do the one that I'm struggling most with thats due tommorrow. God help me. I'm going to do it... Here's to renewal and a newness. And if I want to bloody express my inner pain, i'm going to do it. Doesn' tmean any of you have to read it!! Infact sometimes I hope not. This is more for my benefit than for others but it if helps someone or they can relate the great...