I feel so disgusted with myself. I'm so stressed about things ... and chocolate is my way out- It soothes me because I don't feel like I can handle things.

I've gone off choc like i said i would but now i'm into the milo by the masses. It's crazy but it's like with each gulp I can somehow manage to breathe. It's just the way things are.

I decided to fast breakkie this morning and I succeeded. I did that for God and to see if i could do it for him. I did. But then i got home, john got talking about funerals again, I got stressed out about how he's not telling his kids and family and friends about how he's terminal cancer and I am trying to organize his last birthday for next sunday. Frustrated that people who should be there probably can't- or won't come because they won't see the seriousness of it - because Uncle John hasn't told them!!!!

 Man. Anyway i'm going to get things cleaned up around here. My life needs it. My mind needs it.

I'm going to start a detox despite my horrid eating today. Because after all i'm supposed to be on holidays and I feel a little bit of sickness trying to creep up on me. I'm going to do it because I want to be well and I want God to win and the good parts to win and the self control to win and be able to deal with life healthily and be an example to others. Especially for a maturing to be psychologist which I intend to be. I feel strongly this is my purpose.

 I'll write some poetry and do some art, I'll express myself through some singing too and maybe learn some piano. I want so badly to be free from myself and stop pinning myself down in a tight little corner where I'm stopping myself from thriving happily.