I binged today. I swear, i see people with ciggarettes hanging out of their hands everywhere. Chocolate is my drug of choice it really is and I am addicted.

I don't really enjoy it tHAT much, I don't want it to control me but it does because it's some sort of release.. only it's growing this stomach and I feel so chubby. I am and yet I can change it.. sigh. viscious.

Words float on like hollograms.... I want to reach my goal but it keeps on moving

Something is wedged in -between us

 Gut nacht Gut nacht, to this demon desire

I need to write music, I need to release my soul onto a melody that is pathed in blood etching out like metal on silver rough

I need to empty my tears into a song, so they are intertwined and I am no longer only one

Furthermore, talked about funeral plans today with my uncle who has less than 6 months to live they say and is planning his funeral. I live with him, he's only one bedroom accross, so he's tight family. I just don't know how to take it all, it's weird. It's confusing. Life. Life. Life. A short breath. I don't understand some things, we all must die some day- it's so confusing... I can't imagine him ceasing to exist. I don't know how to feel - I say that i'm feeling bad but It's because i feel perplexed!!!! I dont know how i'm feeling it's weird!! it's confusing!!

I must go on standing, for myself and for others - for God's sake, we must die to live musn't we....

God, lead him home to you!!! Lead me to sing, you through me, me through you- it's what I LONG to do. Get my through this psych degree ; and use this time quality like so that I can really grieve but help uncle John the most and all of us here doing this cancer stuff with him. Bone, kidney and lung cancer... heavy stuff. I know why I feel bad.. I feel bad for or should I say with him.. i'm not sure

ANYWAY,

suffering with bingeing. It's self inflicted and i've had enough i've had enough!! I dont want to do this anymore! I want to STOP for good and never do this again. I have had enough! I'm going to start my plan and get real, face the pain, face the music, its the way things are I need to mature and stop messing around. I know i'm avoiding the maturing but I'm not going to be help to anybody or myself if I keep going down this path. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH you hear me! Plenty of people have quit smoking and drugs, SO i can do it with food too. I can just make sure I have saltanas or something as my patches lol.

I will do this for myself- I need to do this for myself and then for Nathan, show Rach that I am an example rather than someone who constantly stuffs up and show Mitch and my sister that I don't have the buldges or bloatedness as they put it. Gosh, they just told me outright I have put on weight in a roundabout way, nasty but true so I will show them that I can look after myself and maintain my health and body.