I am so frustrated! I'm growing out of all my clothes and I've gone and purchased outfits that are baggier, making me feel a little less podgey- kind of!!! I don't want to hide myself though and I'm the most i've ever weighed in my life. I've just PILED on the weight and I am becomming quite podgey, particularly around the face and middle area (the unhealthy area for women apparently). But I know what it is and why of COURSE I do.Today: Latte shake, bananna, salad, diet coke - watch it worsen....A BOx of chocs, A hungry jacks meal... 2 chomps, some caramels, more coke, popcorn and sO on!!!! I'm having a little binge party here! :OI know I don't feel sexy- and that's making me feel embarressed being at the gym and looking at myself! I HATE looking at my big belly it makes me want to cry if I dwell on it.Not that I need to feel sexy though because boyfriend and I have chosen chastity which I'm pleased about.. maybe for more reasons than one :( partly because of my body shame.. i guess that aint good! I've booked in to see my counsellor who is back - yay! She was gone for ages on holidays or something and I just felt I really needed her. I've lost my best friend due to her being buried in her work and other social groups but mostly her work. Uncle who lives with me got the news that he's back to cancer treatment all over again as it's spread throughout and he's got another lump And i'm avoiding my own issues of needing to dO work with my uni due dates creeeeeep creep creeeeping on up!. ahhh! I guess it's fair, i'm trying to cope with shopping and food i guess? I just want to be healthy and physically and mentally but this coping mech is not healthy! It's making things worse!~I'm tired of living life in many ways like this but I know no-one can turn things around except for me. All that pressure drives me to go nuts and I dont' know what to do with myself except for get out and get into food! So many people work harder than I do at uni and life... I'm losing my drive for living in some areas because of these urges taking over. St JOhns wort works when I remember to take it, is there a cure for becomming fat? No easy way i'm afraid except conscious effort every moment not to binge and think about food. But it's that which maybe i'm just not ready for yet? I want to cry but I can't! So here I am writing it all out trying to be cathartic and all.... I am a poet I guess words are my tears.I am happy when I try to see how God sees me in the happy sense of the thankful way... and thank God for what I have- but I have some sort of addiction or need to shop or eat that isn't going away despite my efforts... What on earth is going on with me!!!!! I can't take these material things with me my body included! BUT I don't want to be so extreme and unbalanced!! What else can I do to stop these... I need some fun and laughs but I have lost them... where I can find them i dont know ...  I feel so much happier when I've accomplished something but I can't seem to stick to a healthy eating plan of eating NORMALLY and taking away junk food. I can't seem to go to the shops without wanting to compulsively grab a bunch of stuff for a pleasure hit. When I was sexual I just wanted that. I know I need pleasure and I'm getting it from the wrong sources, shopping and food. I want to find that pleasure in God! I want to find that pleasure in Art!Am i depressed! ahhh! I dont know- it's not the same kind of depression I used to have.. I can see now that I definately WAS depressed but now I dont feel the same as I did back then. There is no BLACK cloud that i'm in, I'm not without reason to live. I am just sad a lot and I dont get satisfaction from many things - and I don't get a chance to do many arty things because I have uni to do- but i'm spending so much time procrastinating in eating and shopping and talking online that I waste time. I spent $100 easy today and I just didnt want or need the stuff and even worse dont think i can return it! I just get so bored and I get unmotivated for ANYTHING. Catharsis will have to be left at that for now! Ho roo!