Sitting around. didnt do much today. felt good when it rained, I watched it. other times a cried a little. I still am thankful for what I do have. But in alot of pain for what I dont. Some way to start my forties. I have to feel better before school starts up this week but I keep scratching and scraping to the surface and then I find myself under again. He just called as I was typing this. Why? To tell me happy birthday? Its not. Is he just toying with me? Clearing his conscience? What? Im am twisted cuz I was glad to see "the dreaded ex" on the caller ID but Im also afraid to hear the message. Im not good at this right now. thank God I have this site. Its like a jacket in the cold.