I can't stand the way everyone around me compares me to someone else who has had a miscarriage. I also can't stand the way they try to act like nothing is wrong. Like if they don't talk about it or acknowledge it it isn't really going on. I hate that people keep asking me how I am and if I am ok. I am terrible. I am not ok. Would they be ok if the most important thing in their life just stopped existing? I just keep on seeing that ultrasound screen and knowing before she ever said anything that there was no heartbeat. I said it over and over in my mind while she was doing whatever she does with the machine and then she said it too. Everyone around me kept saying this is it, it is going to happen this time. I believed them only to be devastated once again. I don't  know how I am ever going to get through this again. I still am not over the first miscarriage how am I going to deal with another one? I wish I could just be put under anesthetic and not woken up until all this was over with and there would magically be a baby waiting for me when I did wake up. I want to disappear into a dark cave or a hole in the ground and just not come out.  I know I sound terrible but I can't help it. I just don't know how I am going to start all over again from square one with nothing but opk's, negative pregnancy tests, and my monthly hell all over again. I don't know what I am going to do if all these tests the dr is running show something terribly wrong with me or my husband. I don't know what to do if all these tests show nothing is wrong and this just keeps on happening for no reason at all. I just don't see any kind of hope in my life right now. I don't see any silver lining in the cloud or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It is like I am running a terrible race and I start out at the end of the pack only to make it to where every one else is and never see the finish line. It rained here today and all I wanted to do was go sit outside in the yard and cry and let the rain pour on top of me like it would wash all the hurt away but I didn't because I know the neighbors would have thought I was crazy. But I am beginning to wonder is all of this starting to drive me a little bit to the side of crazy? I guess I am just rambling on here because if I don't I know I have nothing else to do but sit and think about everything happening. All I can say is bless your heart if you made it all the way through this crazy journal entry and thanks for being there for me.