Some days I am fine and some days I am awful. There are some days all I hear in my head is that er dr saying no fetal heart tones, no viable pregnancy and the dr at the office saying oh, you need a d&c. Then when I close my eyes to try to block it all out all I see is the ultrasound tv. My clinic has  a huge tv in front of where you lay so you can see your ultrasound all big and stuff and the woman left it on eventhough I told her I had miscarried. Granted I didn't really know what I was looking at by I saw the dark spot on the screen and just lost it. I know wonder should I have gotten her to print a picture for me because I didn't and now I have nothing of my baby except what is in my mind. I write in a journal to my baby and that helps but nothing like having a child. I have a  2 year old nephew who I absolutely adore and sometimes it upsets me to see him and my husband playing. My husband is the only daddy this little boy has ever known and probably ever will and my mom has custody of him so besides my mom I am like his other mommy. His mom is in his life but not the way she should be. It just upsets me to think that she has this wonderful child and mine is in heaven. I love my nephew but sometimes I imagine  my husband playing with our son our daughter and instead of being happy that my nephew has such loving people around him I get upset because it is not my child. Plus Tim has a lot going on with his job now and it is not good changes so that is putting a lot of extra stress on us. I know that it is a little early but I have been walking around stores and they have all of their Christmas things out and it puts me in a Christmas mood. I have been watching Christmas movies and I even want to put up our tree. I know that it is October and it would be crazy to put it up now but I love having my house decorated all Chrismasy it puts me in a good mood. I think come the first part of November I am going to put it up the first weekend I have off from work. Maybe having some happy Chrismas stuff going on will better my mood.