FEAR
I have realized that the last few weeks I have been walking around in two modes. One being excitement about pending changes and the other is complete fear. I know that it is normal to be fearful of things and it has just gripped me today for some reason. Of course along with fear comes the dark clouds of depression right along with them. If it weren't for my little guy here at home I think I would just crawl under the covers and cry all day long. Thankfully he needs me more than I need to do that. I have been in fear of leaving the house and running into the guy that raped me several years ago. I don't know if he is back in town for good or if he was just visiting. Last I knew of him he was living in Japan with his wife and two kids because the wife doesn't want to live here. But you know I can deal with it eventually and I do leave the house I'm not the same person I was then because I am stronger and more aware.
But really my biggest fears surround that of the up coming surgery. I worry what if something really bad goes wrong during the surgery? What if I become a totally different person? What if my husband can't handle all that I have to go through and decides to leave me? What if the surgery works out but then I start having bad periods and get pregnant again? What if I can't exercise after surgery will it have been for nothing? these are the things that are really bothering me right now and yet my brain knows the logical answers to these questions. For instance the surgeon I have chosen in the 6 years he has been doing the surgery has only had two patients die on him and neither one was related to the surgery itself, they both had pre-existing heart conditions and died a couple of years after the surgery. He has had an overall really good success rate of little to no complications for most patients. I know that as far as energy and eating and being healthy that I will change at least some from where I am now but as for personality I don't think that will change all that much but one never knows. When my husband comes in for his home time in about two weeks we have a lot to talk about and I have to believe in our commitment to one another to be there for each other through it all. He has told me many times that he loves the chorus to the new Martina McBride song and says that describes what he feels for me because I have been there for him and its his turn to be there for me. A few years ago I had an endometrial ablation done that burns the lining of the uterus and for most women stop cycles from happening. But there are the rare few that end up having to have a full hysterectomy. If cycles start again after the surgery then I will have to take extreme precautions for the next year or so. If they get to bad then I will have to go to the ultimate decision. I also know that even if I can't move that well after the surgery that the weight will still come off, maybe not as fast as others but it will and as it comes off I will feel better and be able to move a little better.
I think that a lot of this is creeping into my mind because I haven't really been sleeping that well the last few weeks and am really tired. I'm going to try and catch up on my sleep this weekend.
But really my biggest fears surround that of the up coming surgery. I worry what if something really bad goes wrong during the surgery? What if I become a totally different person? What if my husband can't handle all that I have to go through and decides to leave me? What if the surgery works out but then I start having bad periods and get pregnant again? What if I can't exercise after surgery will it have been for nothing? these are the things that are really bothering me right now and yet my brain knows the logical answers to these questions. For instance the surgeon I have chosen in the 6 years he has been doing the surgery has only had two patients die on him and neither one was related to the surgery itself, they both had pre-existing heart conditions and died a couple of years after the surgery. He has had an overall really good success rate of little to no complications for most patients. I know that as far as energy and eating and being healthy that I will change at least some from where I am now but as for personality I don't think that will change all that much but one never knows. When my husband comes in for his home time in about two weeks we have a lot to talk about and I have to believe in our commitment to one another to be there for each other through it all. He has told me many times that he loves the chorus to the new Martina McBride song and says that describes what he feels for me because I have been there for him and its his turn to be there for me. A few years ago I had an endometrial ablation done that burns the lining of the uterus and for most women stop cycles from happening. But there are the rare few that end up having to have a full hysterectomy. If cycles start again after the surgery then I will have to take extreme precautions for the next year or so. If they get to bad then I will have to go to the ultimate decision. I also know that even if I can't move that well after the surgery that the weight will still come off, maybe not as fast as others but it will and as it comes off I will feel better and be able to move a little better.
I think that a lot of this is creeping into my mind because I haven't really been sleeping that well the last few weeks and am really tired. I'm going to try and catch up on my sleep this weekend.
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