So today is better than yesterday.  I was actually able to do some things and I am feeling optimistic.  Can't quite do everything that I want to do but it will get there just takes some time.  Went to counseling today and am making plans and goals with my counselor to get things under way.  Its hard when you have been unable to move for so long to maintain clarity and a bright spirit.  I went through a really dark place where I could see no end in sight to the pain I was suffering.  It was hard to get any single person to understand that I was severely depressed not because of any outside force but because I couldn't move.  I love to walk, its relaxing to me.  I enjoy listening and watching things while I walk.  I enjoy smelling the fresh air and all the other fragrances on the air.  I love playing with my son.  I haven't been able to do those things in such a long time and after a while it gets to a person.  When you can look back in the very near past and remember taking long walks in the evening with your child before the two of you settled down to bed it gets depressing than knowing that you can barely make it half a block before you hurt so bad you have to turn around and go home.  But you know I have gone through so many treatments, surgeries and shots on my joints and body to be able to move again that I actually look forward to have the gastric bypass surgery to help in getting the extra pounds off.  I've read a lot about the feelings people have when they hit their first plateau and while I will probably feel the same I have decided that I am going to face the plateau as a chance for my muscles and skin to catch up as much as possible to the weight loss.  The more I exercise and tone the better I will heal and the better I will feel.  One of these days I am going to have the me that I have dreamed of for years and the world is going to be shocked.