Scared....

Well I scared myself today. I have been in such a rut here lately that I have actually been considering self harm as a means to relive some of the pain. I scared myself with the curiosity of trying it. Wondering how it would feel. would I feel pain, would I feel release. I have considered drugs, cutting, binge eating, other forms of self harm. Anything to make the pain in my mind go away. I'm tried of feeling like this. I have lived my whole life feeling like I am useless, like i am waste of space. Its like I have to monsters in my head fighting constantly. One that wants to climb mountains and have adventures. The other just wants to eat me whole while it grinds me slowly with its teeth.
I came home and told my husband how I felt. (I have been a lot more ope with him about my feelings and he has been very supportive, but I still don't want to cause him pain by burdening him with my own) I have been trying to make contact with a psychiatrist (cause insurance wont cover therapist) and haven't had any luck. I have been shy and just contacted by email and have got no responses. So I have got to try to be strong and make that phone call. I'm so scared though. I know that fixing me is going to be more that just a few 50 min sessions. I am a hot mess and know that this is going to get expensive, or worse what I'm so much of a mess that the doc wants to commit me. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. I don't know. I'm such a mess right now and I have been down this road before and I a tired of it. I m so scared of myself right now. Im tired of being lonely and scared and afraid of everything. :( :( :(