What is this love that I leave behind?How can I turn from the tears in your eyes?What is this world where we always pretend that its..worth it?Worth it in the end..What is this life we share that I just throw away?Is this love that causes so much pain?What is the promise that I leave behind?Why can't I just lie beside you again?Whats going on?How'd it get so wrong?Whats doing on?How'd it get so wrong?What is this dream that I'll never find?What is the prayer that stealing my mind?What is this deal that I've made with fate?And I wonder if I have left it too late?Whats going on?How'd it get so wrong?Whats going on?How'd it get so wrong?----- Blue Rodeo  So I have a bit of time off of work again because of my illness. I am so tired of the sickness. I have really been trying hard to get better lately and it seems not to be working. The only thing I have to look forward to is Samhain coming up this month (Halloween), which is a huge celebration. I won't be attending the Witch's Ball this year but I will be there in spirit.  My meds are being changed again since my depression is getting the better of me for some reason and I am going to see a psychiatrist hopefully as soon as possible - waiting lists are terrible. Who knows.A thousand times a day I think of why things are the way they are. I have filled my life with things that I love, people and a job that I adore and adore me back but.. something is still missing. I wonder how I can fix things.. but as always I am at a loss. I wish I was back to where I used to be.. as a 4yr old child and hope that things wouldn't go wrong again so fast. I know I have to deal with my past and I know that talking about it with friends just isn't enough sometimes. I don't know how to face it though.. its so hard. I know that I have become a good person, strong person with all the things that I have faced but I sure don't feel strong. I mean.. well I am still here and I suppose if I wasn't so strong that I wouldn't be. Sometimes I think I shouldn't be, but then I think about certain things in my life that are good and realize that I really never could do something so selfish. I don't know. Its so easy to get off the right track.. maybe I wasn't on the right track to begin with.I am not sure. Its like what takes so long to build, slips away too easily sometimes.Its all a work in progress..