I have been thinking so much these last several days about myself and how I have changed over the years. Looking back to the time BEFORE I was with Kelly... I had a plan. I made lists and fulfilled them, carried out things right to the end without ceasing.. I was so full. When we got together, I put everything away for her. I stopped growing into whom I am supposed to be and instead I floated in every direction she wanted me to go in. I completely fell for her and I gave myself to her completely. I had always told myself that I would never do that because of the consequences but, you have to take risks in order to get anywhere.. I suppose. Now that we're done its like I am free to find myself again. Like I'm 19yrs old again.. I know I'm only almost 24 but 5 years is a long time. Spending 5 years walking backwards in the name of love is well - unhealthy. I wish she would have pushed me to be more like myself. But, it wasn't her fault anyways, it was mine. Now that we aren't speaking civil to one another it makes me feel even worse. I can't understand why she hates me so much.. I can't even describe how sad it makes me to know that she wants nothing to do with me. I thought 5 years of a life was a long time.. spending that time together as an intimate and loving couple whom are best friends - to not speaking at all and not knowing anything that is going on in each other's lives'.. its frightening. What if I died today? What if she died? I know I would be on the first flight across the country to be with her Father and Brother.. thats just me. If I had been asked the same question three months ago I'd say that she would do the same if the tables were turned but.. now I am not even sure. I have no idea how that happened neither. I fear these situations where the answers are not there or they are completely terrible answers. I will always love her, no matter what she's done in the past or may do in the future - I can't end those feelings for her. I want so badly for her and I to be friends with one another again because we understood each other. I know she's changed since our relationship ended but somewhere deep down inside there is still the Kelly I met and fell in love with. One of the MANY nicknames that I have is Leprechaun (cause i'm short, I like green and .. I have pointy shoes?? *shrug*) and one day at work (where Kelly was my boss) a friend of mine was goofing off and saying that she had my pot of gold.. and I just out of the blue said "No you don't have my pot of gold, Kelly has my pot of gold!" and she was stunned, began blushing and from that day forward there was so much sexual tension between us. She was the older woman, the boss.. it was great. There were times where we'd be closing the store with one another and we'd walk past each other and she'd stick her arm out just a bit and gently rub against my hips.. wow. She had the cutest smile and I knew she liked me. When her partner cheated on her and left her.. she let me in. We exchanged many emails, phone #'s and started spending time together outside work - at first with a mutual frirend (and my ex-boyfriend.... acckk I know..), and then together alone. Things honestly seemed to flow so well into place but, then she moved back to her hometown accross the country and I was left to decide what I wanted to do since it was very clear t hat she didn't want to stay where we started. So. in litte due time I moved to be with her - I left my family and friends and all of my belongings.. to start fresh with her and begin a life. That was what I wanted but she obviously felt differently. I just wonder where things went wrong and why the went wrong. What could I have done differently to show her that I wanted things to work out and there was really no reason why things didn't.I just wish I knew.. had the answers.. I wish she would would tell me she loved me still and we could start fresh on a friendship. I really do want that. Despite the things that happened, she is a good person. I believe everyone deserves a second chance - or third, fourth.. I rarely give up on people and if I give up on you - You did something really awful. I wish she'd change her mind about disliking me so much... Well I can wish all day and night, over and over that things will change but, the only way things will be different is if she changes. I am not sure that's going to happen anytime soon..This is a song I love very much. First and foremost its a song that reminds me of an amazing friend, Tawnya..  But it was also a song that I gave the lyrics to Kelly to remind her that I wasn't dead inside - that change is always a possibility.I really miss her.. I'm so pathetic..  TRAIN - I'm About To Come Alive I can hear you downstairs crying on the phoneTelling someone that I'm here but you still feel all aloneMaybe we were too youngGoodbye, I've gotta goI can hear the baby waking upGot to get back to the life I know I should have never believed himMaybe I should just leave him Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe inDon't give up on meI'm about to come aliveAnd I know that it's been hardAnd it's been a long time comingDon't give up on meI'm about to come alive No one thought I was good enough for youExcept for youDon't let them be rightAfter all that we've been through'Cause somewhere over that rainbowThere's a place for meA place with you In every frame upon our wallLies a face that's seen it allThrough ups and downs and then more downsWe helped each other off of the groundNo one knows what we've been throughMaking it ain't making it without you