As with any other day, I began by having to pry myself from the comfort of my bed. My medication has definitly messed up my whole routine.. oh yes and of course those pesky tremors only get worse with every passing day. Today I had some running around to do, so it kept my mind calm. Spending time with my Mother, we finally had a good day.. we normally don't but its getting better. Its been a Blahzay kind of day though.. thinking about my Ex for once in the last few weeks.. I really miss her but I think she might be finished with me. I am playing the whole.. " I'm going to wait around and see how long it takes her to call or message me because she want's to see how I am doing or because she misses hearing my voice". Personally.. I don't think thats going to happen anytime soon and it makes me very sad. I know she's happier without me, I am quite the dampener of most things but.. I just .. I'm not sad and angry because she's happy, I am sad and angry because I couldn't make her happy, you know? She's happier, she goes out with new friends and women and meets new women. She left me because she "needed time alone to figure out what she's doing and where she's going.. and she stated over and over again that she was in no way shape or form going to date anyone for a very long time".. I think she lied. I think she didn't love me, she didn't want me, she wasn't attracted to me.. she didn't like my behaviour (thats why I'm on meds now!) She didn't think I was going to be successful in any way, our families where across the country from one another and she didn't want to move to be with me -- so I moved to be with her when I was 20 years old and she was 27.. Being together was the most amazing thing for me. I loved her (and still do) so deep and pure, she meant everything to me. But, being away from my family and not being able to find work that paid well where I was living was impossible.. and it made me very sad. I couldn't afford to see them when I wanted and well, you only get so much vacation time.. things were tough. She was upset that I missed them and that I couldn't be completely happy with just her. Our relationship would have been better if she would have communicated with me more, I told her everything about me and my feelings, how my days at work went, everything! She couldn't be happier than to come home from work, give me a kiss and flick on the TV.. while I talked away.. I may as well have been talking to myself.Its just tough when things end and there are no reasons why like.. I cheated or I've met someone else. She sugar coated it not to hurt me too much but HELLO I am a newly diagnosed Bipolar! When it happened I was speachless.. I had moved back here to Edmonton to save money and find an apartment for us and she was going to move here and we'd start a life together. It seemed to me that when I moved away from her last summer, she hadn't made her mind on moving with me and the more time we spent apart she was falling out of love. I wish she would have told me what she was thinking and I would have stayed in Ontario with her and we would have moved on together like it was supposed to happen.It seems to me that she wasn't communicating and maybe I wasn't listening hard enough. All the relationships she had in the past were rocky but long-term and she constantly compared me to the others and that made me so angry. I was tip-toeing around trying to make sure that I wouldn't make a mistake like Kim did or Ange did... it drove me crazy!! (again hence the pills)...I think, bottom line that She really was my first LOVE. I mean, I've had many boyfriends and one girlfriend before Her but She really meant the most to me. We clicked, we bonded, we did things together that I normally wouldn't have done. She helped me, she loved me, she was there for me, she cared for me, she took care of me and she met-shmoozed-wheeled n dealed my family to make them love Her just as they love me. I never thought that for me, being a Lesbian in my Christian family would ever have flied like it did with Her. They love and adore her still, thinking of her as their other daughter, even now. I want to be friends with her, I want to be close. Living across the country doesn't help that at all, and she doesn't talk to me. Even when we were talking, she omitted things as not to hurt me or make me angry - but that only makes things worse because she's no longer free, open and honest with me. She is not comfortable or safe, she is not happy and she doesn't miss me in the least bit. How could this have ever happened?:(