In the words of Britney Spears: "Oops, I did it again".I encountered a binge last night. Now, if I've been drinking and have impaired judgement, does it count if i binge? what about if i was high from smoking weed? cuz the first time i relapsed it was cuz i was high and this time cuz i was very buzzy (i wasnt drunk or else i wouldnt have been driving). but my answer to these questions is yes, it counts. its like when people use being drunk as an excuse for cheating on a girl/boyfriend....please, worst excuse. therefore, i dont feel i can use it for this either.i guess i kind of saw it coming. i was careless last wednesday work, i ate too much on christmas eve and day, and then last night was the killer. its like it was just building up and if i had only not let myself go in the first place it wouldnt have escalated as it did. i was hanging out with friends last night and i remember when the idea first popped in my head. they were talking about stuff i didnt know about and my mind started wandering and in popped "jack in the box" ( a fast food restaurant). so for the rest of the night, when i wasnt involved in conversations i would think about it. when i left the bar at the end of the night, i went to the "jitb" near where i'm staying and it was closed. so now i was on a mission for something to eat and since i had my mind set on fast food, that was what i wanted. i found a 24 hr drive thru mcdonalds and got fries and a cheeseburger, both off the dollar menu.  then, it was time to find another place and i found another 24 hour drive thru mcd's. there i got chocolate chip cookies cuz i wanted ice cream but they didnt have it. so i figured i'd try for one more place to try and get the ice cream i wanted. you'll never believe it but i found a third 24 hr mcd's (why are there so many? and why arent any of the other fast food places open so late?). there, i actually had a different experience. i asked for ice cream and they said they didnt have any so i got fries instead. when i pulled up he said it would be a few minutes and told me i didnt have to pay for them. i thought that was nice. then he asked what kind of ice cream i wanted and i told him an m&m mcflurry and he made me one, also free of charge. then he proceeded to ask my name and shake my hand. guess it pays to have the drive thru guy think you're pretty! so after it all, i only ended up spending like $4 so atleast i didnt waste a lot of money like i used to.i think there was a lot that went into this relapse. the two things that i think most lead to it were being back at a place where my binging was at its peak (the house and the area) and giving myself the oppurtunity to be careless because im on vacation and cuz of christmas. it was definitely another learning experience, i felt like crap after, today i feel bloated and hungover, but i went to the gym and feel somewhat better.so i've decided to do things a little different this time around. i've done the counting days thing which was great and i've gotten to 8 weeks and 11 weeks. but this time i'm just going to say that 2008 is going to be a binge-free year. i'm not going to count the days, i'm just going to do it and hopefully at this time next year i can say i've had my first binge-free year. am i disappointed i binged? a little, but its not the worst thing i've ever done. its time to just get back to healthy and hope i havent gained too much weight while i'm here! i still have a few days left of my vaca so i'll just continue to try my best and come away a stronger person.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks for sharing, I thought of doing that before but after one drive thru I never made it to the others, but I know what you mean. It\'s crazy and we just can\'t talk ourselves out of it and we just do it once it\'s set in our heads. Dollar Menu-Not bad, less calories. Ice cream ok once in a while :), ok you upgraded your fries, don\'t worry..... $4 that\'s a deal! Like you said, 2008 Binge Free. I tried counting days and then I see myself screwing up more so I just don\'t concentrate that much on it cuz then I\'m thinking way to much about it and failing. I\'m good though. Had two small cookies last night in the middle of night cuz I had to let dog out, this morning a granola bar but had 4 almond covered w/chocolate. That\'s my limit today - said enough and took the rest w/me home to give to my mom tonight when I see her. Have a great rest of your vacation and Christmas. Have a Happy New Year and Best Wishes in 2008 - Kathy
deleted_user
deleted_user

you sound exactly like me....whenever i\'m at my mom\'s it\'s like all the old habits just become reality...this is where my bingeing was at it\'s peak and it\'s just like i\'m used to the old tricks of stashing food and waiting until everyone\'s asleep....even if i\'m tired i still stay up to eat all the good food i know i won\'t get at my apartment. it\'s not always binges but it\'s not a healthy way to eat.....i also notice that when i give myself a little freedom or excuses it always leads up to a binge a few days later...the key is to recognize that once you hit the \"it\'s ok\" switch in your brain it\'ll only lead to more binging and thinking about it constantly.....all of my relapses have been because I was either drunk or high and it sucks because you feel like you should be able to relax and have fun without worrying where your head will be at the end of the night.......i think your goal of 2008 as a binge free year is great.....counting gives you a sense of accomplishment but i think that just setting a general lifestyle goal of no binges doesn\'t give room for excuses.....so i think i\'ll join you on that goal, im in the process of giving up processed foods in general....even if i don\'t binge putting that stuff in always makes my body feel toxic .....so good luck with everything.......and i know that i always seem to gain a brighter and better perspective after my mistakes so this seems like it\'s given you a new lease on your goals and your life!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

You know you will get back on track. Its so tricky this time of year, there is food everywhere and you always eat more than normal and then that starts bringing back old bad habits instead of reinforcing those new ones we have built up - the memory is so fickle!!! Like you say 2008 will be a fantastic year and we can do this together.
deleted_user
deleted_user

All anyone can ever ask of you is that you do your best and your best is so amazing 99% of the time. The other 1% won\'t make you gain weight and as I was saying to someone the other day, even skinny people without eating disorders binge sometimes, especially at Christmas. You are doing so well, and life is never without blips, expecting life without blips is demanding perfection from yourself. I think the drive for perfection can be really damaging and is what gives us eating disorders in the first place. Overall you have had a fantastically successful year and you should be so proud. It will get better too, I have no doubt!
deleted_user
deleted_user

i am so happy you were able to share your challenges and find reasons for them (NOT EXCUSES!) so you can prevent them from happening in a similar situation next time....love, steph
deleted_user
deleted_user

It is so easy to find excuses for bingeing - mine used to be I am stressed therefore I need something to relax me. I agree that sometimes counting the days adds to the pressure of not bingeing and perhaps as you say focusing on just being healthy allows you to enjoy the journey with out getting caught up in timescales because if this is for life it makes no difference how many weeks/ days etc. I also agree with BittenKitten - that even people without EDs have days when they eat too much and that blips are part of life. Be kind to yourself, despite your blip you still manage to sound so positive and are ready to pick yourself up, learn from it and use that information to move on which I think is fantastic - you are right 2008 is going to be a great year! Its quite exciting to know that it can only be better eh! Big hugs xx