Day 69 - part 2what a waste of a day, seriously. my motivation could not have been any less existant. i planned to start my day by going to a jazz class and then going grocery shopping. instead, on the way to class, i decided i really didnt want to go so i just went grocery shopping instead. when i got home, i figured i'd just go to the gym in a little bit since i skipped class. on the way there i decided i was too tired and since i had to work from 530pm until god knows when in the morning i should go back home and take a nap instead. so thats what i did. i dont know if i even fell asleep or not but when it came time to shower and get ready, i decided i didnt feel like being miserable all night and skipped the shoot. it was going to be miserable for two reasons - 1 is because it was supposed to rain in the scene and we were gonna be soaking wet all night. 2 was because once 11pm comes around i get really tired anyway cuz that's usually when i go to bed. i never should have booked myself for it in the first place. i feel like such a piece of crap for not going to all these things today for no good reason. the only good thing i got accomplished today was writing a letter that was long overdue that i finally got around to writing. actually, i had already written a first draft i just needed to get it together. back in college i made a very selfish move and hurt my best friend in the process. we're still friends but i've always felt guilty about what i did and it was never resolved cuz we both avoid confrontation. but our friendship has never been the same and i always feel awkward when i'm with her (but that's not too often since she lives across the country). so i wrote her an apology letter that i'll be mailing out tomorrow. i dont even know if she still thinks about it or feels awkward with me too but i needed to get it all out for my sake whether she's over it or not. i just need to stop flaking on things. especially jobs cuz i really really need any money i can make. and i feel bad after i dont go. mentally its like how i used to feel after binging...luckily there is no bloating, stomach aches, and rapid weight gain that goes along with it. and i ususally end up being at home, watching tv, playing around on my computer and basically just wasting time. i just want january to be here. i have been booked for 15 days in january so that will be a nice bunch of cash. i'm not guaranteed to be working all those days but i have to keep them open in case i'm needed....but there's a good chance i'll be working a lot of them. i just need to start making more money so i can try to have somewhat of a social life. i actually looked into joining match.com so i can meet a guy (or guys) to go out on dates with because i'm not going to meet anyone sitting at home and i cant afford to go out. however, it costs a lot to join and i cant pay that right now. i'm a little nervous about the end of this month too cuz nothing shoots during christmas time which means i wont be able to work. i know you're probably thinking "just suck it up and get another job". well, i've thought of that but then i wouldnt be able to take time off to go up to san francisco for the holiday. "hey boss, i know i just started but can i take a week off?". not gonna happen. once again, if i need another job i'll have to wait til january. as tom petty says "the waiting is the hardest part".atleast i ate well today.