Day 47 one question i've been asking myself lately is why i dont share my history of binges with people. is it cuz i'm embarassed? yes, that's one reason. i think part of it is because most people i know think of me as being so strong, fearless, confident, amongst other things, and letting them know about this would just make me seem weak or something. i cant even think of the word that describes how i would think they'd then percieve me. the only experience i've had telling anyone was my old roommate and she just felt bad for me. then i felt uncomfortable eating too much in front of her, even though i wasnt binging and it was in my calorie limit. that's another thing i dont want, is to feel paranoid that people are watching me eat. i feel that anyway though. i know a lot of people who keep going for sweets when they're offered but when i do it i feel like who ever is seeing me do it is thinking i'm weird or something. or they're thinking "should she really be eating all those?". so maybe another reason i dont share is because i'm afraid of discomfort around them. but if i'm eating well then it shouldnt be a problem. but if i want to indulge they might think less of me....like if you see someone who you know struggles with alcoholism with a drink. on the other hand, maybe it would be helpful to have people looking over me....but that's really not my style. i prefer to do things on my own without help....this may prove to be more of a charatcer flaw for me.i once had a friend tell me that she and others had discussed how i was emotionless and i never really understood why. is it cuz i dont cry? cuz i dont get upset often? sorry, but i dont let things get to me. and really traumatising events dont seem to happen in my life often (knock on wood). it seems the things that get me are the internal problems i have rather than the things i can't "control"...but they dont know about those. but, if they knew about this then they'd know i'm a real person. but how do you all the sudden tell people? in this type of situation i usually wait for it to come up, but how would it? i've always said that after i feel i'm in a good place with it, which i now feel i am, then i would be more comfortable sharing, but i dont think i am more comfortable. will i ever be? maybe i'm just scared.tonight this was all brought up cuz i saw an ad on craigslist for a show about people who are unhappy with their body, want to transform their life, have tried diets, etc. and i thought about submitting for it. but then when it asked for my story, all i could think about it how i'd have to share the fact that the reason i put on the weight was from binging. and the thought of doing that on national tv scared me. the funny part is that its not the strangers that i wouldnt want to see it, but people i know. i wouldnt want them to know what i've struggled with. isnt that odd? but then when i think about it, i recall thoughts i've had about how i look on a daily basis. i dont care if strangers see me without make up and my hair looking crappy and just overall looking like crap. i would be way more concerned about people i know seeing me out like that. i dont even think that makes sense really. but i know there's something behind all this, its just a matter of me figuring out what the issue is here. its like i'm trying to put up this front for people i know. but why? why cant i just be myself? i know part of it is that i think people will like me better if i'm prettier. actually, there have been experiments that show people respond better to good looking people, and we all have noticed this. so maybe i try too hard to look good so people will like me better. i've been on both sides of the fence and i've been both chubby and thin...and no matter how i've felt inside, people definitely respond differently to me when i look good, body and face. its sad but its life. i met a girl the other day while i was working who shared so much with me. it was the first time i had met her and she was sharing so many personal experiences with me i couldnt believe it. i actually envied her cuz i only wish i could be so open. i have secrets that i dont talk about. the only people i feel comfortable telling are all of you cuz you have no idea who i am and vice versa. i can talk about my ed all i want and not worry about a thing. there's even things i dont share with you guys, mostly cuz it doesnt come up, but if it did i wouldnt have any problem letting you all know. maybe i'll start an experiment with myself. i dont know if i'll be able to do it or not but its worth a try. i want to be open with people. but instead of going back to all my friends and catching them up on things, i'm going to try something different. i'm going to talk about my secrets with new friends i make and be open with them from day 1. if there is a moment where i can share my experiences with bingeing then i will. of course, its all dependent on the person...no need to share things with everyone i meet. its these kinds of moments that bring people closer. possibly one reason why i dont seem to make close relationships is cuz i dont open myself up enough to the point where the other person feels i'm really letting them in to something personal about myself. my conversations are typically about events, people, stuff, life, but nothing really personal about myself. i need to get over this. so ultimately my goal is to open up to atleast one new friend i make and tell them about my struggle with ed. i can see how that one person reacts and how i feel after. is this a good idea? i think i like to put up this front that i'm perfect when in fact i'm far from it. and eventhough we all know no one is, we like to think people are. its the people like me who cover up everything that really have so much hiding. but what am i hiding? yes, my ed, but why? and i know there's other things too. its times like these, when i start thinking about this stuff, that i really wish i had money for a therpist. but for now, i have all you guys!
Replies
Wow... I would love to talk more, thanks for opening up!
you posted a well written peice of work - you\'ve given this a lot of thought. i remember the moment i realize i had a misguided definion of what strength was. what i thought was being strong was really being stoic. being strong means being true to yourself no matter what. that takes courage.
i like your idea. someone you\'ve just met has no preconceived ideas of who you are or what you are like. they won\'t go all \'OMG i never knew that about you!!! if you don\'t like their reaction well - you never have to have anything to do with them again .... BUT .... if you do like their reaction, if they treat you with respect and acceptance, you have the beginnings of a beautiful friendship.
I don\'t think that you are emotionless at all. Actually you just described how most british people are all the time! Not everyone is extroverted, whether for inate or cultural reasons. But there is no reason why speaking about your troubles makes you less strong, in fact it makes you stronger. And it won\'t make people think you are weak. Everyone is carrying around a burden whether its an ED or depression and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think what you want is control over every aspect of life but how boring would life be if we had that? Not having everything ordered and predicted can result in wonderful surprises! I know just what you mean about people who know about your ED and the fear that they are judging what you are eating. I suppose it\'s best to pick someone to confide it that you know is not a judgemental sort of person. I have a friend like that. They are rare but they exist and I am sure you will find one!
I know what you mean! Its such a personal thing telling someone about it and do they truly understand. I have told a couple of friends and of course my husband and family know. But i don\'t think they know or understand the true extent of it and why or wherefours (wish i did too). My best friend is good as she never judges but just checks in from time to time. Like BittenKitten said everyone has different ways of dealing with things - ours is eating but that dosent make us stronger or weaker than anyone else, and the great thing is we are now recovering and dos\'ent it feel good:) - have a great Friday whatever you are up too. Take carex
I get it, i\'m not saying spill to the world, but one true friend would be good. That person who you know loves you no matter what, be very careful who you choose if you don\'t have that friend allready cause it\'s hard to open up if they hurt you. i comend you on your insight tho, it\'s nice to see honesty even if it is among strangers. lol I know it\'s easier to share on here for me. for me i\'m just tired of being the screwed up one, i don\'t want babysitters wherever i go, i want close friends to laugh and cry with but have no idea how to find or keep them. and then there\'s the whole i\'m alone raising a boy. no prospects in sight and the only person who is remotely interested in me is basicaly a horney canadian. oh and there\'s this random truck driver who only wants to get a random screw on occasion. since i refuse to be their random easy mark i\'m alone. that is hard for me to deal with, i\'m alone romantically and will most likely remain so until i\'m either a size six or dead. the area i\'m in is really backward and it dosn\'t matter who you are, so long as yer skinny, willing to put out, and a bar fly yer good, but if yer not skinny and not willing to put out constantly to whomever yer nothing. small towns how great. anyway my rant is up sorry but yeah i get you it\'s ok to not want the world to know yer screwed up...after all we all wear masks
hmm...you are asking some very good questions that we should all ask ourselves. i\'ve been accused of being too open many times and it\'s gotten me into trouble! but i think it would be good if you had people you could share with who could also relate to your struggles like we do on here...we don\'t judge because we totally understand how you feel and know that bingeing does NOT make you a weak or pathetic person. take care love, steph
I know exactly what you mean. My mum asked once why I never saw friends anymore and I said well its becuase I am fat, or have got fat since I last saw them. She said that I shouldnt have to pretend ot be this perfect being with good friends and that showing my flaws such as my struggle with weight was just human. Admittedly something like an ED is something that I am so ashamed of (and no one really knows what I eat when I binge - I mean their judgement, the look of disgust or pity on their faces would be too much) that I have only told 3 people. But hte people I have told have only been supportive and tried to help me in their own way and its kinda brought me closer to them because they know my weaknesses aswell as my strengths. I\'m not saying that you should feel you have to tell people as EDs are such personal things that its a huge step to tell someone you trust. You have to do whatever is going to help you, although I foudn letting close friends know I had a major flaw was quite a release so to speak! The most important thing is being true to yourself whether that means sharing with strangers, close friends, DS friends or just acknowledging things in your own head. You have a lot of courage, determination and are such a supportive friend which to me shows a hell of a lot of strength, having an ED does not make you a weak person at all. Great journal entry - its given me a lot to think about. Big hugs x