RELAPSE, RELAPSE, RELAPSE!!!Well my friends, it happened.  I binged last night. It came on slowly but in the end, I can’t describe it as anything else. At first I thought about writing just that and leaving out all the details but then decided it would be more beneficial to relive the entire day/night and share it with you all as well. So get ready cuz this is gonna be a long one. If you’re not in the reading mood, feel free to skip to my conclusion at the end. My day started off great. I had a cup of tea, oatmeal and a nutri-grain bar. I decided to spend the day walking around my new area to check out what it has to offer (restaurants, shops, etc.).  About 3.5 hours after I had breakfast, I found myself ready for lunch while at a mall. I chose a salad at one of the food court restaurants, chicken, 3 types of beans, tomatoes, and 2 types of lettuce…and a piece of cornbread. Yummy! I made my way home after that and when I got home, about 30-40 mins later, I wasn’t feeling very full. I think salads don’t fill me up as much as I’d like, especially since I’d been walking around all day, so I should have eaten something heavier. I had pizza left over from the night before (i bought it last night for dinner assuming I’d eat some of it the next day too. I know its not the best option but I had spent two days getting my apartment together, I was tired, and didn’t feel like going out so pizza was the easiest thing for me to do). After one piece, I was still a little hungry so stupid me had another. I would have been better off with something smaller, like a bar, but no, I went for another piece. So I went on my way to do some more area exploring, walked down a really fun street too, and on my way back I made my way past a Pink Berry (a very popular frozen yogurt place). I have wanted to try it since I saw there was one near my new place. So I figured this: I’m going to try it eventually, so I might as well just get it out of the way now and stop thinking about it whenever I pass by.  So I tried it and seriously, it wasn’t even that good! I wasn’t a big fan of the texture. I prefer my frozen treats soft and creamy and this was just neither.  But of course I ate the whole thing, stupid me. Side note: I don’t plan to get a job until at least November so I’m trying to not spend too much money but still have a good time.  So if I am spending money on something, I don’t want to waste it. I think I’m going to need to change that idea. I shouldn’t have eaten that whole frozen yogurt. I’d rather waste the money than put all the extra shit in my body. I also need to be smarter about what I’m spending my money on. After the frozen yogurt incident, it was time to make my way back home.  When I got here I was trying to decide what to do for the evening. I was pretty tired from walking all day, for about 6 hours with small breaks, so I decided to hop in my car and cruise around the city. I could find my way to the beach for future reference, find out where my gym is, check out where some of the nightlife is, etc. Before I left, I ate the last two pieces of pizza. Why? I’m not really sure. I don’t even remember if I was hungry. But I ate them. After that, I started thinking about how unsatisfied I was with my frozen yogurt earlier. I was ready for something really tasty and was really disappointed instead. So then I was on a mission. I wanted to go get another frozen yogurt/ice cream/whatever, to satisfy my craving. I knew I was already up around 2000 cals for the day but I figured this would be it and I’m done, no biggie. I found a place right near my house and stopped in. the lady there asked me “is this before or after dinner?” and I didn’t know what to say. What was my dinner anyway? The pizza? The pink berry? This? Who knows? I just laughed and told her it was after, just to sound normal. Then she proceeded to tell me that I must not have been satisfied with my dinner if I’m getting this. So true though. I wasn’t satisfied with the pizza or the pink berry. I only had the pizza cuz it was there and I should have figured out what I really wanted and gone for that instead. The problem there was that I wasn’t even hungry so it probably wasn’t even food that I wanted anyway.  I would have been better off if I had just skipped the second two slices and went for the second ice cream instead.  Note to self: figure out what I really want or else I won’t feel satisfied.So get this, that second frozen yogurt I got wasn’t good either! What disappointment! I need to stay away from all those “healthy” versions and from now on, just go for the real thing…or at least make sure I’m finding a good version by only trying them while with other people who say its good. And just for the record, I ate that whole thing too.Time to cruise. I did something I hadn’t done in a long time and drove around and smoked weed (marijuana for those of you who don’t know this slang). When I first moved to California over 2 years ago, that was a habit of mine. The only times I wasn’t smoking while driving was when I was going to work, gym, or class. Other than that, I was usually doing it. Basically I was a pothead. So back to yesterday, I was having a good time, driving around and being high. Then I started thinking about how much it sucked I never got to have a good frozen something. I thought it was be a good idea to find a cold stone creamery, baskin robbins, something that I knew would be good and kick the craving for good. As I was driving along I came across a Carl’s Jr. I thought it would be a good idea to get some of their amazing criss-cut fries. Seriously, they’re probably my favorite fast food fries. Now, I don’t know how I went from getting ice cream to French fries but it happened. It doesn’t even make sense. At that point, I just blamed it on me being high. The sad part was that I didn’t have any cash on me so I had to put like $2 on my card. The drive-thru guy must have thought I was a wacko…I kinda thought I was too. So kept on going and eventually came across a cold stone and was so excited but still had no cash and felt stupid as I kept using it for such small amounts. Luckily, (luckily?), there was a bank of America (my bank) a few blocks away so I stopped at the atm and took out $40 so I would have cash on me anyway for the next few days. When I tried to find a parking spot near the cold stone, the closest spot was like 4 blocks away and I wasn’t about to walk that far for this so I left and gave up on the ice cream. I thought it was a blessing in disguise but we will soon find out that it didn’t really make much of a difference. I actually may have been better off if I had gone there….since that was what I really seemed to have wanted. After that, I was on my way. A little later, and I honestly don’t remember what was going on in my head, but I thought it would be a good idea to stop at mcdonalds. I chose to get more fries, BUT, if you get the large ones you automatically get a prize (they’re doing the monopoly thing again). So I stupidly ordered the large ones and won money for toys r us…yay, I can go buy myself some toys.  Then, of course, I ate the whole order.  So I may not remember why I made that mcdonalds stop, or why I wanted more fries, but I do remember what I was thinking about as I mowed on them.First, I was trying to decide whether this was still the marijuana or if I was walking into a binge. I was going to just ignore this incident and count it as an overeat but after realizing that I had just stopped at two different fast food places and got fries at both, as I’ve mentioned before this was an old binge habit of mine, I reluctantly admitted to myself that I was in the beginning of a binge. I was also having that out of control feeling that we all know and love…I mean hate! I was in that frame of mind and knew it was gonna be hard to get out of it, especially since I still had a ways to drive before I got home and would be confronted with more temptation. I’ll never forget what happened next. I sat there thinking about what I was going to say in my journal, how I could let you all down after I had been so strong for over 8 weeks. I had to confess or else I’d just be lying to myself and all of you.  And then I thought “I don’t even care, I’m happy right now”. Seriously, and I wasn’t even kidding that was really how I felt. I’m happy? I’m happy cuz I’m eating a large order of fries from mcdonalds? Sad. And let me tell you, I also remember a few minutes after I was finished eating them I started feeling really sad. The complete opposite of what I had been feeling however many minutes before. Then I cared. What’s even worse is that after this, it didn’t stop. Along comes burger king. I thought “ohhhh, dulce de leche cheesecake. That will make up for the bad frozen yogurts from before.” For real? How can I still be thinking about that after stuffing myself full of French fries? Well I was, but unfortunately I was unable to get into the lane I needed to be in to turn into the parking lot in time so I had to keep driving.  But don’t worry my friends, another one came along eventually. BUT, they didn’t have what I wanted to I had to get the butterfinger cream cake instead. And it was free! Haha. The bitch in front of me at the drive thru was at the window for like 3 mins (a long time in fast food time) complaining about whatever so the guy working there felt bad and gave me my cake for free. So now it’s the homestretch. Time to get home and sit on my futon, thinking about what I’ve done. Oh, but not just yet! I decided to stop at a 24 hr grocery store and get a pint of ice cream to spend my time with when I get home. What a “great” idea. I walked in and came across the bakery first. So I browsed and picked up a slice of red velvet cake, which I’ve heard like every celebrity praise, and moved on to the ice cream aisle. What caught my eye was the cake batter ice cream, one of my faves, but they only had it in the big size, whatever that is, so I just got that.Now, those cake people are evil cuz they actually included a small fork with the cake so of course I began to eat it on my way home. And let me tell you, the cake wasn’t even that good and the frosting, which is usually my favorite part, was gross! What are all those people talking about??? And just so you know, I didn’t eat the whole slice…just half. After that, I opened up the ice cream and began to eat that, with the little fork, for the rest of the way home and while I drove around looking for a parking spot.Once I parked, that was it. I put all my trash, including the rest of the ice cream (I’d say I ate a max of 2 cups, maybe not even, I have no clue) into the plastic bag I had and threw it all away on my walk home. Gotta get rid of the evidence right people? I don’t want that shit in my car or in my apartment. Once I got home I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sick in my life. I was wishing so bad that I could throw up but I know I don’t have it in me to do that. I was even hoping my body would just want to throw up anyway cuz it’s just too full. I sat down to write this journal last night, and if i had i'm sure i would have put up a horrible face instead of ok, but didn’t even get one letter out before I decided I felt way too sick to do anything but lay in my bed….so that’s what I did. The feeling eventually passed and I was able to get up and turn off my computer and brush my teeth but had no energy to take off my eye makeup and wash my face. I woke up twice through out the night, a typical binge consequence, and was hot both times, another consequence, but didn’t sweat, thank god. Luckily, I slept long enough to avoid a binge-hangover so I don’t feel so awful today.So there’s my story. The question now is, how do I feel?  Honestly, not as bad as I ever thought relapsing would be. I feel this is an important part of recovery. Its not that I think everyone who has gone 8 weeks should go and binge, but I feel its going to help me in the long run. Its weird, but I think that the whole time I was not bingeing, I was kinda expecting this to happen but hoped it wouldn’t. I’ve noticed lately that I haven’t been eating as well as I’ve liked to, so maybe this incident will give me a little kick in the butt to be as healthy as possible so this never creeps up on me again. I know last night it crept up but maybe this has been gradually coming for a week or so. Who knows? I don’t think of it as all my hard work being ruined, cuz its not. This is a time when all my hard work is going to help me. One bad night cant ruin all I’ve learned throughout the past 8 weeks. All this means is that I have to start over at day 1. I know I can do it again, if I’ve done it before then why not again? I know that because I’ve gone for so long it will be much easier for me to get back on track than it would have been if I had only gone 1 day or 1 week. Basically, I’ve done the relapse and now I don’t have to worry anymore about it. As I was lying in pain last night, I recalled all the thoughts and feelings I had throughout the night that I haven’t felt in such a long time. Its kind of like I forgot what it really feels like to binge, but now I remember. I remember all the horrible things it does. I may have felt on top of the world while I was eating those fries but I felt terrible all the rest of the time. Its sad that I needed to actually feel all that to remember why I stopped, but if that’s what helps me in the long run then I cant be so angry it happened.  I know there are reasons why I did it last night (being unsatisfied, tired, lonely, high, and whatever else) but if I’ve gotten through these in the recent past without eating I know I can still do it. Today is day 1, and this time I’m gonna go longer than 8 weeks! The best thing I can do is learn from this. Here’s a few things I’ve taken away from this experience:Don’t eat salad as a meal cuz it doesn’t usually fill me up and I’ll just be hungry again very soon. However, I will have one if its full of tons of things that WILL fill me up or if I’m just having a quick bite to eat before a planned meal in an hour or so.If I don’t like something, then don’t eat it. I’d be better off not wasting it in my body and having something I actually like instead. Don’t be unsatisfied.Don’t eat if I’m not physically hungry. I feel like sometimes I get nervous that I’m gonna be hungry later and there’s not going to be anything to eat…then I have to suffer with my hunger pain. Just remember, there will be something to eat nearby so don’t be afraid of being hungry later.Don’t smoke weed and leave the house. I hadn’t done it in a while, I’ve only done it as the last thing I do before I go to bed. That’s safe. I haven’t had issues doing that.Don’t waste my money on this bullshit, especially now that I’m unemployed. I’d like to not have a job as long as possible and I don’t want bingeing to get in the way of me enjoying a stress-free life.  Bingeing is not what I want to be spending my money on. Eat what I really want, not what’s there.  This goes back to the satisfaction things again. So I’m sure there are other things I’m taking away from this but these are the ones that are clear on my mind right now. I’m sorry if anyone is disappointed with me, or if I’ve let anyone down, but understand that relapses happen. I’m human too. I’m really surprised with how I’m taking all this and am just happy to start fresh today. Day 1 is today, Saturday October 6, 2007 and 1 year from today will be my one year anniversary!