so here i am enjoying a beautiful saturday night here im my apartment, resting my ankle, and watching my roommate kill a bottle of wine....and put another bottle in the freezer which obviously means she plans to drink/begin another bottle before the night is over. it makes me sad to watch her do this (i'm not drinking with her in case you didn't know) especially since i know its not the first time. i've even seen her drinking captain on the rocks, an alcohol i had never seen her drink without a diet coke mixer in the 4 or so years i've known her until that day. she says she has done it before but i don't believe a word of it. it was a new thing and from talking to my friends about it i've come to believe even more she's becoming an alcoholic. i know she doesnt drink everyday but i think that's only because she can't afford it. however, i've seen her drink alone either if i'm with her or if i come home to her passed out and an empty bottle in the trash many times. and the whole drinking alcohol on the rocks thing doesnt help. i just wish i could say something but its not going to make a difference even if i do. she'll just think of an excuse like "well you don't want to drink with me" or "i just want to relax" and never admit that the things she does are so not ok. so i figure i just need to keep my mouth shut until she's ready to admit she has a problem...then and only then will she be willing to change. why change if there's nothing wrong with what she's doing right? you can only help someone who is willing to be helped, and right now she's not for so many reasons. one thing that bothers me about people is listening to them talk about how great food is. for example, my roommate was eating a chocolate mochi ice cream ball tonight and was so expressive about how amazing it is. i've binged on them before so trust me, i know how amazing they are. it just sucks because i try to tell myself that food isnt as great as i think it is and then people without a problem like me express how it is. sometimes it makes me just want to start screaming, "yes i know how great it is! eating that is the most amazing feeling in the world! it makes everything else seem so unimportant and i cant think of doing anything else right now except eating that! and after i eat it i want more and more and more until i think i'm going to throw up!" the funny thing is that i could say that to someone and they would laugh along and agree that they feel the same way....but they don't. the thing is that i feel so much more intense about it and i really would feel that way and do all those things. that other person is just saying it but would never actually do such a thing. or if they would actually do it, it would happen maybe once but with me it could happen everyday, a few times a day if i could. so my point is, i hate it when other people talk about food, and how much they love it, when they don't realize that their feelings don't even compare to how much myself and all of you feel. my roommate also comments on how she has an "unhealthy obsession" with certain foods she really like. no honey, you have no idea what that's really like. i have an unhealthy obsession with french fries, ice cream, peanut butter, frosting, soft baked cookies, etc. meaning i could eat it all day everyday....i highly doubt you would do that so don't tell me about your unhealthy obsession. or when people ask me why i don't want to eat something. why??? because if i do i won't want to stop, that's why. if only i could tell these people my real thoughts, but i can't. to explain how talking about food like this is like talking about getting wasted some night with an alcoholic....or telling them how good it feels to drink, or ask them why they don't want a drink, or a sip. it sucks to have a problem you can't just share with the world. for if i did, i would feel that everytime they would see me eat, they would be thinking about my problem....just like i think about my roommate being a possible alcoholic every time i see her drink.