Just venting.
Two years ago, when my precious Colleen passed, my emotions died with her, at that very moment when she took her last breath in this life. I felt nothing, for 2 whole years. Only my body and my mind carried on existing, and that was o.k, because all my emotions were dead.
Then, 2 months ago, my 11 year old granddaughter landed in ICU, in a diabetic coma. That week was, in many ways, a repeat of Colleen's very last hospital stay. And suddenly all my emotions came back to life!! I can't stop crying, and I feel so bitter towards the whole world!! For the first time I realized how very alone and empty and useless I am now! Yes, I have a good relationship with my 2 living children, but they have their own lives. Colleen was the only one who really needed me, and who loved me unconditionally!!!
Everyday I wish that it can be my turn to die, but I know that God alone will decide that.
Then, 2 months ago, my 11 year old granddaughter landed in ICU, in a diabetic coma. That week was, in many ways, a repeat of Colleen's very last hospital stay. And suddenly all my emotions came back to life!! I can't stop crying, and I feel so bitter towards the whole world!! For the first time I realized how very alone and empty and useless I am now! Yes, I have a good relationship with my 2 living children, but they have their own lives. Colleen was the only one who really needed me, and who loved me unconditionally!!!
Everyday I wish that it can be my turn to die, but I know that God alone will decide that.
Replies
Oh my dear. I can relate to your feelings. My son is busy with his life - I love him and he loves me but it is not the same as the relationship I had with Lisa - we talked every day.
I understand the need to be needed. When Colleen left, you no longer had a purpose.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I just know you have to feel the feelings; so cry, yell, scream, punch something soft - preferably not a person, and throw things - preferably unbreakable things. I hope you are able to get some help to cope with the feelings.
You have had so much to cope with. Just know we care and are here for you.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene
I can not tell you how much I share your description of your first two years. Even though my emotions would surface, I was so unable to trust my emotions that the slightest glimpse of emotion and I had to bury it. Even tears were surface tears. The honest to goodness, deep and real emotions continue to be buried as, seeing Jason\'s birthday fast approaching, as is the marker proving that I have not seen or heard or held him in 3 years, just around the corner, (OK, it is January 25th but close enough to hurt).
I can not imagine the emotional flood gates that opened brought on by something as scary as your granddaughters sudden illness.
Can you breathe for awhile? Simply allow the emotions to surface? Knowing that your soul needs to release them?
Tightest of hugs on your emotional journey...
Merrilee
Allowing the feelings to be what they are is part of the healing I have found... YOU are doing your best dearest Andelene and of course that was a huge trigger for you with your granddaughter. Allow those tears to flow and one of our moms would call them liquid prayers...
You matter as do your feelings and I\'m with you offering my heart and hand.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
I do understand and feel your pain. When our precious children were here, we had a purpose, and now it is so hard to make sense of things. My first year, I few memories, my second year was a daze.... Yes life does go on but I too am so very sad to the depth of my soul. My doctor finally said something that made sense to me. She said you have taken care of Ryan and others, now let me take care of you. I have been put on some new medication. I do notice a change but not a moment goes by when we will not think of our angels. I do believe our children are watching and encouraging us. My heart goes out to you...I offer up my prayers and loving support for always. Hugs, Debbie
Oh Andelene, I am so sorry you are feeling this way but I can understand your feelings. I feel like part of my purpose now is to ensure Eddie is not forgotten. That helps keep me going.
Your pain sounds very raw right now.. I am sure your granddaughter\'s illness has brought your pain and anger to the surface. You have a right to feel all of these feelings. May those feelings become gentler and more managable and may life have meaning and purpose again for you. Love to you and Colleen, Linda