Today, I told my husband he would be better off without me, and wishes I was dead about 50 times. My childrens friends were over, and I hid out in the basemnet, instead of playing with them, because I was on a major low.
Tomorrow, Thank God, I get to see a doc and tell her, wither suck out half my brain so I dont think so darn much, give me electroconvulsive therapy, or switch my meds around. WOW!!!!!!
It is really that bad, when you feel like your brain is a big nuisance, and no help at all.
I think quitting smoking will only be a possibility when I am more level in my emotions. Right now, I have so much deep seated sadness and rage, half of it from my childhood, the rest from lonliness , the rest from my beloved children who have to also see me blue.
It is a long hard road, but God has me travelling it, and my children tucked under my shaky but strong arms, and that is what I have to work with.