i'm tired. tired of trying to stay, just stay. had a fight with husband about money of course. we want to get a new car and i was joking about getting me the new car and he can have the truck. he got pissed and said i didn't know how serious the situation is. yeah i know, the he called me selfish all i think about is myself. that's the last thing i am. im sick of acting like everything is ok, and it's not. looking in the mirror all i see is an ugly fat almost 50 yr woman who is stupid,  can't do anything right. i just want to crawl into my black hole and never come out. i just want to die. at least the pain will go away. my kids are the ones i worry about but they are almost grow. oh god help me i don't have any will to stay nothing to look ahead at. i've been looking at how to do itjwhich would the best.life is never good for me & this is what i wish you'd seejust let me end it'll be happy in the end,i'll finally be free.free fromall the pain and torment and the neverending battle.no more dealing with the arguments and tears, i'd finally be through with it all.you just don't seem to understand that by keeping me here your making it worse.if i weredead and gone by now i'd be happy, i wouldn't have this life, i wouldn't have the curse.im already considering doing this even without your consent.i know for sure that once its all over with my heart will finally be content.so here i am just sitting there, on my bed with a knife to my wrist.please everyone dont be upset, pplease dont be pissed.you just need to know i love u all butcouldnt handle it anymore.ok here i go, im doing this for sure.u just need to let me go to heaven now, hopefully god will understand and accept this.just tell my baby i love him and im sorry i couldnt give him one last kiss.tell everyone i love tham and that im sorry i had to go so soon and leave them all behind.but i just needed to end it all and start a new life so happiness i could find.these ar the last words ill ever be writing down.i know they are harsh but dont worry, rest your head, be at ease, dont make a sound.know that i love you and always have but i need to think of me right now and so i said goodbye.be happy without me and know that ill somewhere good, somewhere up high.i just hope your not crying, i want you to know everythhing will be ok.i'll be watching  over you and listening to what you have to say.just have patience, wait till the day, and i'll see you up here and we can be together.except this time things will be better and you'll see me happy, always and forever.