Another Day
Another day and being very appreciative to my wonderful boyfriend of almost 3 years for being so supportive to me and realizing that he doesn't have to weather this "parental" storm with me, he's still here by my side. He gave me a "pep" talk this morning about me not being selfish enough and not taking care of me. He's trying so hard to help me see how important I should be to myself, because I never saw that being so caught up in trying to make everyone else around me happy. I love him so much.
Last night my mother, my son and I are in the kitchen ready to order out for dinner because I was just too tired to cook (she treated), so we ordered and as always I felt obligated to sit in the kitchen with her instead of going back to my room to relax after such a long day at work. She sits at home all day, doesn't do her exercises, doesn't try to do anything more than watch television and wait for me to come home so that she can take up more of my time talking about court shows and the news rather than my son taking up my time (how it should be). Now, for ONCE, my son takes the initiative to put food in our cats bowl since it was low and my mother stops him and says, "what are you doing? there is enough food in the bowls!" As always he stops and appears confused, because if the bowl was empty, she would fuss at him about putting food in the bowl, but this time, it was pretty low, I agree with him...why not put some in there now??? I didn't see anything wrong with it, but she then says, well...just put a little bit in there. Why should she even dictate what he puts in the bowl when HE was taking the initiative to do it in the first place????? It boiled down to her having control over what he had just made the decision to do. He's not her child...he's mine! This is just crazy! While this seems so small, it's just adding to the years of how she's treated my child and it's not right! The only option I can see is to put her in an Assisted Living home, since she doesn't act like she wants to do anything except sit at home and do nothing until my son gets home from school, so she can boss him around and treat him like a little slave.
I try so hard not to stress over things with her...I love her so much, but she just doesn't know how much I fight with myself inside to avoid talking to her about how I really feel. I'm scared because I'm feeling so much anxiety when I'm around her, I have resentment and antimosity and I know that I need to really talk to her, but why when all she does is go to her room and ostracize herself for days just thinking that I'm angry at her. I want her to realize how much I love her, but that I need my own life with MY 13 year old child and she has to give me what she says she already had in her life. I feel so robbed of my relationship with my son. She is so selfish and doesn't even seem to care in my eyes, and it might just be that she doesn't know...but I don't understand that. How could she not know?? She's a mother of 3...how does she NOT know that I want my time for myself and time for my child...just ME and HIM. I hate the fact that I have become so annoyed with her that I even have difficulty looking at her in her face and even moreso I hate the fact that I feel that way. She continues to not make me decide on what should happen to her, but then she tries to manipulate and control everything else. So confusing...{sigh} I can see this is still going to be a very long journey for me.
Last night my mother, my son and I are in the kitchen ready to order out for dinner because I was just too tired to cook (she treated), so we ordered and as always I felt obligated to sit in the kitchen with her instead of going back to my room to relax after such a long day at work. She sits at home all day, doesn't do her exercises, doesn't try to do anything more than watch television and wait for me to come home so that she can take up more of my time talking about court shows and the news rather than my son taking up my time (how it should be). Now, for ONCE, my son takes the initiative to put food in our cats bowl since it was low and my mother stops him and says, "what are you doing? there is enough food in the bowls!" As always he stops and appears confused, because if the bowl was empty, she would fuss at him about putting food in the bowl, but this time, it was pretty low, I agree with him...why not put some in there now??? I didn't see anything wrong with it, but she then says, well...just put a little bit in there. Why should she even dictate what he puts in the bowl when HE was taking the initiative to do it in the first place????? It boiled down to her having control over what he had just made the decision to do. He's not her child...he's mine! This is just crazy! While this seems so small, it's just adding to the years of how she's treated my child and it's not right! The only option I can see is to put her in an Assisted Living home, since she doesn't act like she wants to do anything except sit at home and do nothing until my son gets home from school, so she can boss him around and treat him like a little slave.
I try so hard not to stress over things with her...I love her so much, but she just doesn't know how much I fight with myself inside to avoid talking to her about how I really feel. I'm scared because I'm feeling so much anxiety when I'm around her, I have resentment and antimosity and I know that I need to really talk to her, but why when all she does is go to her room and ostracize herself for days just thinking that I'm angry at her. I want her to realize how much I love her, but that I need my own life with MY 13 year old child and she has to give me what she says she already had in her life. I feel so robbed of my relationship with my son. She is so selfish and doesn't even seem to care in my eyes, and it might just be that she doesn't know...but I don't understand that. How could she not know?? She's a mother of 3...how does she NOT know that I want my time for myself and time for my child...just ME and HIM. I hate the fact that I have become so annoyed with her that I even have difficulty looking at her in her face and even moreso I hate the fact that I feel that way. She continues to not make me decide on what should happen to her, but then she tries to manipulate and control everything else. So confusing...{sigh} I can see this is still going to be a very long journey for me.
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