I HATE BEING BIPOLAR. Life just constantly sucks. When will it ever end. The constant ups and downs are driving me nuts. My husband doesn't understand and my marriage is in the crapper. I hate marriage. I should have never gotten married again. I should have never given into his ultimatum. "If you don't marry me... I will leave". And he was the only person who ever really cared for me so I didn't want him to leave. So I gave in and got married even though I knew what was going to happen. He doesn't really love me anymore. He says he does but I know he's tired of all the ups and downs. And I have so many of them. Two of the kids have been sick for the past few days and I have come down with a hell of a cold. I am so overwhelmed... I can't do it. All I want to do is cry. But pride stops me from doing that and I fight instead of cry. All I want to do is RUN AWAY. I have done that all my life. Something doesn't go my way and I go start something new somewhere else. This time I can't do that. And I feel the only way to get away is to end it for good. I tried that before ... and when I did I was happy. I wasn't scared. But he found me and I'm back in this crappy life. I love my kids and they used to keep me strong but lately I'm not that strong anymore. I stopped writing in this journal because it's like talking to no one. It makes me feel more alone. I wrote a poem today. It's not that good. I was never really good at that. But I want to put it down on paper.The winds are howling but you can't hear themThe sky is black but you can't see itI cry for help but you don't understandAnd I'm alone... waiting for someone who will.