I need to handle this a lot better. Tonight it was bad. I lost it, I cried and my mind just went blank and the suicide thoughts much stronger. I'm forced to realise some stuff, such as in order to scape my obsessions and other problems, I lost myself in books, tv, movies, I daydream, but sometimes it's worst than that, I completely lose myself, I do things and only realise I did that after some time. Last week I crossed the street, I saw myself crossing the street but it was like being in the autopilot, I only realised I had crossed after waking about four feet from the street. I stopped and I had to look behind because I didn't remember to pay attention in the light, I didn't know if I should have crossed, you know. And it all, it is messed up and I don't know what to do, so I only got worst and worst, I was going to cut but when I got my mother's alcohol to clean the razor, but I remember I took my time to read the warnings and it said don't ingest, risk of intoxication and I thought why won't end it now, I remember I wanted to drink it. I opened it and rubbed it on my arm and I went blank again, again I saw myself holding it and closing it but only realised it when I put it aside but I was so out of it that I don't really remember everything, every single detail and the alcohol is flavored, and I could taste it in my mouth and for some minutes I couldn't tell if I had drank it or not, it could be the smell, because it smells really strongly, and even though I don't remember I feel like I didn't drink it. It was horrible. I have kept going, putting up with this things, but I'm scared, I don't remember things and other things I remember but wish I could forget. I know I should see a doctor but I don't know how this time it's gonna be any different, the last time I asked for help it only got worse, a completely waste of time and effort and money.