I see what one of my major problems is: I try to feel better, it works, but my family totally ruin it for me. In order to get better I have to stay away from them. They are one of those toxic people and I realised that they really make me feel bad. I don't want to live this way anymore, so I have to do everything I can to get better, it means I have to leave this house. I feel that this house is no longer a home for me. My parents are not supportive, they are oblivious and toxic. I hope my brother forgive me for leaving him with such parents, but I can't stand it, I feel horrible the last few days, I scratched my skin with the scissors, I'm scared that  next time I'll cut myself, I have no control, I don't want to die, but these days I have been thinking, I don't feel hope anymore. 
I fell hard in my selfdestructive mode, I want peace to stop the thoughts, but I can't find it. Not even in my sleep I can rest.