I am having a very hard night.. John took several pain pills tonight and he says he really hurts.. He is not one to complain, so I know he is hurting when he tells me things like this. I waited til he went to sleep and then let the tears come... I have nights like this....It is a pity me party I guess... I believe I hold every thing in and try not to think of what is going on, and then BOOM it hits me, and I fall apart. I dont know how people lose there loved ones,and how they make  it to the next day. and I sure do not know how people watch their loved ones die, right in front of them...I think of our life together and now am watching him getting thinner and in pain, and I just want to die myself..Not that I woulod do anything stubid,but believe me, I always wanted be first...I just cant think of being alone...without him...each day is becoming a struggle for him, and I can see him remaining strong.. Maybe if he would get angry and curse this dam sickness, the way I do, ..  I wouldnt feel alone in this cursing ....He would never do this as he is so dam strong... Why cant I be half as strong??.. our entire life has changed and I cant stand it!! Oh how we used to laugh at something stubid, and be silly at times...How we would get into the car and drive to OUR spot....(where he asked me to marry him)......oh so many things we did together..... Hell, we did everything together..how we planned on his retirement that never came.....it came but not the way we always planned.. he would call me from the office and say.:" be home in 15 min,have a bag packed", and off we would go.....he was always a goer and now to see him sit in a chair, is terrible...How his energy is going down,and his laughing has almost stopped altogether.....How much is he suppose to suffer? and why??? Why is this happening to this wonderful husband??? This wonderful man who was so dam good to everyone..I do not believe he ever said a mean thing about anyone... I hate this dam cancer!! Why havent they found some type of cure for this???? How does GOD let a person suffer??? Why cant I be stronger???? Why is this happening why??????????/ Dam cancer dam dam dam