Hi all, Do not even know where to start but lets see...Have been going to drs alot with both my sister as well as myself. She is having some sort of stomach trouble, so it has been testing time for her..Need to go back on weds to see the results of her test..As for me, well feet and legs are swollen and drs cant figure it out. I am having a vascular test done on Tuesday..Hope they can get this one figured out,as it is hell to walk... In pain alot....John was talking about another trip, so he started looking into prices.. He found several good deals but non are refundable. He has told me that he knows he is getting worse, and if he cant make a trip, he wants to make sure a refund is available. Since, he never complains and this time has mentioned he KNOWS he is getting worse, well it just scares me to death. I have noticed  that he is beginning to take more pain pills,and he sure is doing alot more coughing and spitting up. I really do not see a trip in our future anymore..Oh he still does things, only now he admits to not being able to do things. We went and ordered carpet, and we are having the carpet guys move out the furniture. All, has to be packed up and moved out of the room by us, and I can see where he is unable to help much..I had wanted to have the room painted before the carpet comes, but will hold off on the painting,as all of this is a bit too much for him. He tried so hard to help me carry out a box of knick knacks to store, and I could see how hard he was trying,so now I wait til he is sleeping before I start moving boxes around..With these legs hurting, well it is not easy to do either...but I have til Friday to remove stuff, so have the time to do it slow..John has been losing weight again, and another 10 pounds are gone..Do not know how much more weight he can lose, before he is just too weak to move..He still trys to be of help, and it just breaks my heart to see him struggle...He has become slower at walking or doing things..He is also becoming bent over when he walks. He also has a loss of hearing.. This is because the cancer is taking over. Dam Cancer..I am scared everytime he goes out and drives..He says driving makes him feel like he can do at least something.. Again, he is making out plans for me, but I still wont listen.......he keeps telling me that there are things I need to know, but I just cant talk about the after....I believe I am going to get him a journal and he can write down what I am suppose to do (after)...as this is something I cant discuss...I mean, how the hell, can you plan on what you are do do whenyou are alone...??  A friend of mine lost her hubby so fast, and she tells me that knowing is so much better, since you can say and do everything you want, and she couldnt even say good-bye... I dont know which is better, but none of the above is good.......I think I am not accepting the fact he may not be here as he walks and talks and goes places, and it just seems so impossible that this is going on here..I will wake up soon and find it is all a bad dream..I do know, and this is so hard to watch...I always hated football,but you know what.. I find myself asking him questions about it, just so we can talk about things other then what is really going on...I avoid anything that has to deal with cancer.....My mom lives on our property, and she has never been of any support.. Never could talk to her about anythig serious..but she trys to tells me what I should do or what she notices, and I want to tell her to shut the hell up... I can see.......never been close to her at all...she goes to bars quite a bit, and you want to know what I fear????/ I am afraid she is going to ask me to join her, and meet her friends.... I have never been a bar person, and she knows this,so I would guess after, she will try to be "friends" with me by wanting me to go to the bar with her...isnt this a silly thing to think about....Anyways, this is what has been going on in my life and just wated to let you all know....I thank you all for your support and kind words..