hi journal,  Today was a bad day. Broke down most of the day... Thinking life is not fair. My sister's caregiver called and she was telling me my sister wants a Christmas tree and when they told my sisters boyfriend , he said NO TREE....He says my sister has a big enough mess in the house... So...tomorrow I am going up there and I will mention to him that if MY sister wants a tree, she can have one!!!! Who in the hell is he to say she cant put up a tree...It is true my sister has clothes that she has bought all over the house since there is no more room in her closet. I will see if I can do something with all these clothes she has bought. She is home tomorrow so I will see what can be done and see if maybe she will donate some of these clothes to someplace.. Not to long ago, I went over there and hung everything I could up...and I have to say there was not  any room left to hang anything...I brought her over big tubs and they re over flowing....I know she will never wear all these clothes, but this is her enjoyment...and she can afford to do this, so why not let her do it...it isnt hurting him at all, and then he says NO TREE..BULL!!!! I sure wish he would get mad enough to move out on his own...I cant tell him to move as my sister thinks this guy is wonderful....Oh sure, if he left I would have to get someone for the nights to be with my sister, but I almost think it would be better, then having this jerk try to tell her what she can and cant do!!! Then I was in a bad mood all day,maybe not a bad mood, but a blue mood!!!! Why does my husband have cancer and why does my sister have alzheimers??? My husband never hurt anyone, and he always is there for anyone who needs help...He is losing weight again,and his coughing and spitting up is worse.....We couldnt get our spot today, as it is a holiday and guess the guy we had talked to was off... Now we cant do it till Weds...But today I doubt if I could have handled going to a funeral home..Tonight i cursed GOD and I let go, and yelled and cried and screamed......thought I was really going crazy...John tried so hard to comfort me and when he had his arms around me all I felt was bone........I tried so hard not to let my fears show for his sake, but today, I just couldnt handle it....In my heart, I do not believe I have 12 months with him left....he tried to open a pill bottle tonight and he had trouble doing that...Why is GOD doing this to him?????????? Oh sure, not suppose to question GOD....but I am!!!! WHY??????? He doesnt deserve this!!!! He told me tonight that I need this trip to Florida as much as he does... Hell, not sure how we will do Florida, with him feeling so ill...He worrys about ME... Damnit, How can he remain so strong all the time... You iknow what he said tonight?? He said GOD is testing his faith.......Hell, who needs this sort of test?????????? I cant say I believe anymore!!!!! so why doesnt GOD test me,instead of him?????? Glad this site is here so I can bit-- and cry and get angry.....I am thankful for friends here who really dont know me, yet they have words that help me make it through a day....thank you...