hi journal,  I have been feeling very down lately. Did a load of wash and noticed that John's handkercheifs were bloody... He told me yesterday how he wants to be buried, and today I told his sister and she said she will stop it from happening this way... John wants no flowers and nothing...he wants to be cremated and thats it, nd his sister comes over and tells me she will do a viewing and a funeral thats normal.. We never really had a disagreement, and hope she will go with Johns wishes without fighting me..but she was very adament about this...She told me that everyone will want a funeral for him....I tell her I will go with Johns wishes, and she said "WE WILL SEE ABOUT THIS".....I do not need this....Doubt if I can handle it.. She also told me that if it is because of money, she will pay for it...It isnt because of money as this is wht JOhn wants.. He has always said he did not want a big whooptido if something should happen..I never should have said anything to his sister....His sister and I are pretty  close, so hopefully she will not interfer with what he wants...What a thing to talk about uh??? I am so glad the D/S is here so I can write how I feel without anyone arguing with me.. I am having trouble getting on here and even had to go throught another provider in order to get here..Not sure why, but maybe it is AOL...I am falling apart here, and I must stay strong...at least I cant be breaking down....Hell, he is stronger then I am and it is hppening to him..He told me he wants to do what he can while he is able...and that he has not given up living yet..I just want to climb in a hole.....and forget the entire world....but hell, I cant do this...Got to remain strong...yes, this is what I am always being told...but it isnt easy...I want my cozy world back....but cant have it...I want peace and cant have it...I want my husbands arms around me telling me what our future is going to be like....I want to live to become OLd with him...and I cnt have none of these...I miss him already!!!! dam cancer!!