hi journal,  I am having mixed emotions tonight. Was wrapping up some Christmas gifts, and realized over a year has gone by since we were told my hsband has a year and a half with his cancer left..What a scarery thoought. How can this be happening when he acts like he is onlya bit tired??? This year he has lost alot of weight, and eats from a tube in his stomach, but other then this he seems to be doing well. He is coughing alot, and spitting up alot, but heck this isnt too bad.. Does this mean his iv chemo is working. This would give him 5-6 months more the dr says.. They will run a test to see if cancer is spreading soon..Maybe next month...I really do not want to know the results....yes, I do, no I dont...well maybe I do.. What difference would this make if I knew?? I try not to think too much about this cancer,as it only depresses me. Our 44 anniversay is coming up at the end of this month...What great memories I have of all our anniversarys..Where does time go???? What a wonderful life I have had with him..If I think on it, I bet we truely only had one major bad time in our married life..not to shabby, I dont think....We came close to a divorce ,but sure glad we made it through this hard time.. Our problem was in the 7th year of our marrage, so guess this was just the 7 year itch....or whatever they call it. They say if you can make it past the first 7 years, you can make it..Well, we sure did this and then some..Tonight I am thinking of our life together and we sure did alot of things..made it through the hard times,the poor times, and the rough times..and I can honestly say we had all of these..I do not think I even knew we had such poor times, but we sure did..Heck he worked in the surgery dept of the milatary hospital, and I would always hope for alot of surgeries, as he would bring home the food that the people slept through and couldnt eat....This is now a funny memory to me...Now things are better for  us, and I want to enjoy our old age together..What plans we had for his retirement...!!! He was suppose to retire in another few years, but because of cancer, he retired last year...(not willingly)... I can hear him coughing now, andhe will be up in a few minutes,as he will be awake from all the coughing.. He sure has some rough nights coughing..no wonder he is tired alot now...I can honestly say that we have done alot of what we had planned when he retired...(except getting a motorcycle and traveling on them) his idea ,not mine!!...I always have told him, if I could not take my dogs I wouldnt go!! (we always had dogs)...and he even figured out a way to take a dog...maybe this is why I have 2 dogs,as no room for 2 on a motorcycle!!..I can just see us on a motorbike traveling with 2 dogs...what  a site this would be!! Oh what funny ideas we had about retirement!! I thought having him home everyday would drive me up a wall, but it sure has not even caused  me to get more gray hairs!! My house stays more messy, and floors are not washed as much, but these things are not that important anymore..cause if we want to go to the casino, or to the store, or just out, we now just go...The house can wait...What used to be so darn important, I find are not that important, and just think of the years I waisted,thinking I cant go out til the wash is done, or until I dusted....I still like a clean house, but I find myself saying, I will do it later...heck it will wait for me.....and then grab my purse and go!! I guessthis is what is meant by slow down and smell the roses... Boy I sure am rambling on and on...Guess I best get to bed as tomorrow is chemo day, and must get up in the morning....