hi journal,   well my hubby started his IV treatment and had his first treatment yesterday. He had a headache yesterday and swore it was sinis.. Today he doubled over from stomach pains..He says it is nothing and that he feels fine.. Stubborn man!! I can tell by his eyes that he is having some trouble and it scares me to death. I am not sure I am going tobe able to handle this as it gets worse. I dont seem to have the strength that he has. I see him getting more and more frail and I am scared. He has always been the strong one, and he has always supported me in everything i ever did.Now he is getting weak and he still  tries to do everything. He gets tired alot more then he used to, and falls asleep in his chair. We do not talk about his cancer,as he knows I am having alot of trouble dealing with it. I figure when the time comes, everything will be taken care of,and right now I dont want to deal with it, and I dont want to know how he really feels,yet I want to know..is this hard to understand??? I mean, I know what the future for him is,and I dont want to admit it...I dont want to hear it....and I dont want to talk about it to him. His mom and sister call me all the time with things they hear about cures...Well, I know there is NO cure, and I hate it when they tell me to try this and that.. His sister actually came over with something she heard about for hubby. Of coursre hubby  wanted nothing to do with it..He would not even try this stuff out. I know his family is worried also, but I dont want to hear about false cures.. I know they mean well,but also know that hubby wont do these "cures" so why dont they leave him alone!!! They also know he wont try these false cures.....so why do they have to keep telling us of cures....I know there is NO cure for him, and wish they wouls just stop !!! Dont they know that IF there was a cure, I would do it and so would he???? I am so glad when a day goes by when noone comes by or calls. My mom tells me he should quit smoking...My God, this man has less then a year, and he should quit smoking??? I feel whatever he wants to do is OK....I have always loved his family, but now I am feeling I dont want to see them.or have them call..nd I dont want to shut them out..but when they start telling us of cures, I want to yell at them, tell them to leave us alone, and to stop this "helping" It doesnt work....nothing works when it comes to cancer...Also, my mom has started telling me to stop my smoking or I will end up like hubby. Just what I want to hear....she continues to pick and pick and I want her to leave me alone. Yes, I smoke more lately,especially at night when I am alone...it is my own sanity....I cry at night when I am alone too...but hey I have to remain strong in the daytime.....they each have told me this..yes, be strong dont show hubby I am scared or worried...dont let him know that I am afraid to be alone without him...yes, after being together 44 years, I am scared of being alone without him.....and I am NOT strong....