Tonight I am finding it very hard to sleep. Hubby has been doing more coughing then ever. He has never complained about his cancer, but tonight he admitted he was not feeling so well. Have to say, I am scared and so worried. He is getting up every hour or so, just coughing so hard. He has coughed before,but never like this. I hate this damn cancer! I have no idea where his strength comes from,as Iknow I would be cursing and I would be mad as hell. He never complains, and tries so hard to be strong. This is hard to watch,as I know when he is having a bad day,and on these days, there is nothing I can do to help him. He has always been my best friend, and I just cant imangine my life without him. Our marriage of nearly 44 years, has been wonderful, and I thank God each day for our life together. But why is it going to end now??? These are suppose to be our GOLDEN years together,and we are not going to have them.. Right now I am so mad!!! I have watched him lose so much weight, and it hurts so much..He still gets around, and drives, and tries to do things he always has done. he does them slower now, and I can tell things are harder for him to do now, but he just doesnt give up! What a guy he is!!! People say they have the perfect marriage,but nothing can compare to the life I have had with him. Oh sure, we have had our ups and downs, but yet we have become one...I love him so much,and cannot stand the thought of losing him..How do people hang in there,and watch the one you love dying in front of you???? I have been told that God never gives you more then we can handle...I do not believe this at all..as I know I cant handle this....it is sort of hard to believe in GOD sometimes. Shame onme for these thoughts...
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Phyllis, my heart is just aching for you right now. I was only 9 yrs old when my grandma died of cancer and even now at 49, I can still remember hearing her cough alot and not moving as fast as she once did. I dont know how people hang in there and watch all of it. I watched it with my grandma and my grandpa and aunts, well most of my whole family since I was a little girl. I honestly dont know how to tell you how others do it. All I know is all that you can do is love him, which I know that you do, and show him as much as possible that you are there for him and how much he means to you. Then, come in here and vent all you want. Yell, scream, cry do it all in here and we will be here for you. I just imagine what your going thru. I know when I was getting ready to have my cancer surgery and my mom came back in pre-op before they took me, I could see the pain and worry in her eyes. All I could do was cry. I know this is so very hard for you. Ive watched this nasty disease for all my life, literally. I absolutely hate cancer. I know hate is wrong, but I HATE it. I keep worrying if Im going to get it again. My heart just goes out to you. I hope you can feel my arms around you giving you a hug and holding your hand thru all of this. Im there with you always. Please keep me posted on how things are going.
I love you and Im right there beside you all the way, you are not alone....Hugs and much love.....Julie
Dear Phyllis,
I read this very early this morning, and my heart was breaking. To be honest, I could not find any words to say at that time, and so thought I would try again. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you; I watched my mom go thru this kind of thing for several years - it indeed is difficult to watch the changes taking place on a daily basis. It is a helpless feeling, I know. I just promised her I would stay with her, and do everything I could to keep her comfortable, and I did. She was a fighter, but seemed satisfied with that -just that reassurance that I would be there with her. As Julie said, all you can do is love him and be there for him - which you already are doing, and because of your wonderful relationship, I\'m sure he knows and appreciates this. You hang in there...because you just do. It just happens - the strength just comes from somewhere; I don\'t know where. I remember the visiting hospice nurse telling me that I needed to let Mom know that I would be ok..that Mom needed reassurance of that. It was hard, but I tried to make sure I did that often, even though at that time I didn\'t feel like I\'d be ok.
I hope you\'ll let us know how things are going, and remember that we are here for you anytime you need us; that our hearts are, and will continue to be with you....you are our friend, and we love you.
Love and hugs, Lori