Thursday, February 28, 2008

Hooray!!!!! I did it I went to the dr.  I was really hard and I did get anxious but I survived it!  I went in for my diabetes and had to have my blood drawn - that was scary - I didn't think I could do it but I did !  I have a big problem thinking that I am dying all the time so going to the Dr. is a major issue in my life.  I have medical conditions that really need to be dealt with and I am happy that I am finally addressing these issues, maybe not all of them but I figure if I take one at a time I will accomplish my goals.  I am glad I went because my blood pressure was really high and he was able to give me the medicine I desparately needed.  I have been seeing this same dr. for years and when I go in to see him I am terrified and by the time I leave I am happy - he spent an hour and half talking to me about my panic and my fears and it felt great to know that he took so much time out of his busy schedule to try to help me!  He tried talking me into an antidepressent but I totally refused - I tryed two before and they made me 100 percent worse.  He says that we could keep trying different ones until we find the right one but I am not willing to expose myself to the horrible side affects it causes me.  He then told me that I should take xanax on a daily basis, I told him I was scared to becoming addicted to it and his response was if you have high blood pressure you take medicine to keep it under control, if you have diabetes you take diabetic medicine to keep it under control, if you have panic disorder you take xanax in order to keep it under control - he pretty much told me that I could take it for the rest of my life if that is what I needed in order to function.  It makes sense to me but then again - what happens when he has to keep uping my dosage for it to work - eventually it won't work anymore - he said that if that happened there are other drugs that I would be able to take.  I am confused - I want to be better but I really am scared to becoming dependent on a drug to calm me.