Each day I face agonising pain and visions of my rape, especially around February and June ... I have dreams about it and I have dreams about the son I lost. It's terrible. Each day I think. Maybe if I die it will go away. The pain, the sorrow the dreams. But I can't die. I've tried 7 times and failed. I just can't die. I'm forced to live. To be tortured by my past. And my mind enforces it. My mind has betrayed me, the bi polar has betrayed me. There is no end, no relief. I must live, if you can call it living... I used to be dead, just a walking shell. But that shell was given life because of someone close in my heart. I live for them. But still the pain is relentless. What I live is a slow slow death. And each day I think if I had the baby, I would be dead. But instead my body killed something so precious. I'm only 15 and I endure so much. More then any human could. But that's just the thing, I'm not human. I couldnt be. I've died so many times and I come back. I'm a lost soul. I'm a nothing. Im only a little light. A little light going out.