Grief
I took a 4 hour nap, even though I wasn't tired. It was such an unusual deep sleep. I woke up, felt like I was going to panic, and then broke into sobbing for several hours.
All I could think was, "No matter what, things will never be the same again. No matter what I achieve, I'll never have him again. He'll never love me. That is gone forever."
I realized no matter how happy I would become some day, some far off day, I would always have lost this life. A whole life. A marriage, future, goals, plans. All gone, forever.
The bad and good parts were so separate. It was like two separate lives I lived with him. One, so beautiful. The other, so painful.
I do remember walking through a park, on the way to a work session -- ironically, I was relationship coaching a woman in her early 40s who was having trouble dating.
All of these adorable children playing in that green sunny grass. I wanted kids. And I looked at my wedding ring, and I sadly realized I couldn't have kids with him, ever, because he was so cruel. I counted how long it would take, if ever, until I reached that goal. I'd have to divorce him, mourn, wait for the divorce to be final, start all over searching for a real soul mate, and someday, hopefully get married to the right person. It seemed like an eternity, and every day I stayed with my ex, that window of opportunity was closing. It was so sad, and I wished SO much that I could just have kids with my ex as we'd been planning on, Instead of having to get divorced.
But back to the two parts of that life...there was the good and the bad.
The good was, him walking in the door wearing (as always) a very attractive suit, perfectly tailored to him, yelling "Honey I'm home!" form the door, smiling at me, rushing over to me to give me a big hug, I could tell he didn't want to let go of that hug. I'd be making dinner and he'd rave that it smelled so good he couldn't wait to eat it. He'd say I should seriously consider becoming a chef. He was so good at his job, and dressed so well, and seemed so responsible.
The bad, him sitting at the computer for the remainder of the evening, begging me to just leave the apartment most of the time, insisting he didn't want to speak to me. Acting annoyed if I made a comment. Feeling I couldn't be myself. Him rejecting me, not wanting to look at, speak to me, or be romantic. Me crying in the bathtub. Talking on the phone to my mom, crying in the bathroom. Him saying he didn't care. Him blowing up at some tiny thing, like throwing out an expired bottle of ketshup, or insisting I not turn on the TV to "save power." (though he had it on for 3-4 hours a night). Him flirting w/ girls in front of me, buying them drinks, not speaking to me for hours as he lavished attention on them. Lying to me. Watching porn and going to strip clubs and lying about it...I never even knew. Not sure what else I didn't know. Him never wanting to have sex w/ me, and never telling me a good reason why, leaving me feeling rejected. Him buying me 50 dress up outfits, but he still had no interest regardless of what I wore. Feeling fat and old, though I was only 29 and thin. Him canceling plans and promises constantly. I never knew what I could truly rely on. Emotional abuse. It doesn't get much worse than that.
The good, each night he wanted to cuddle with me, after ignoring me for hours. He would rush over to me, a smile on his face, and would want to cuddle and talk. He'd laugh endearingly at things I said, he'd say I was "the most beautiful girl in the world" he'd say I was the "nicest person he'd ever known," and he'd say he was sure my business would succeed wildly. Each night he'd pull me onto his chest and we'd fall asleep like that. He'd tell me "everything will be okay. I love you." Then we'd roll over to the right, and then we'd sleep back to back. Each morning before he left he'd kiss and hug me and say I was "sleeping beauty."
I'd feel warm and fuzzy, and I'd go to the top floor of our building, that had this ridiculous free breakfast each day. And I'd feel so lucky, being in this lavish apartment with a huge chandelier. It was such a beautiful apartment, and was the only nice place I'd ever lived, being from a make-shift and very modest background.
I'd work on my business and feel so stable and happy, knowing I always had a place to live, in Manhattan none less. It was a dream come true. I couldn't be kicked out like all of the shady sub-let apartments I'd stayed in prior to that, that were month-to-month and falling apart...and I'd been in 3 of those. I was so happy to not have to move and to finally feel "settled." In this gorgeous apartment, with this beautiful ring, with this amazingly sweet husband.
The bad...but then this odd feeling would sink in. I'd get a strange nervous feeling, and I'd look through his desk drawer. I never found anything, but I felt this compulsion to look. I didn't realize some part of me knew he was lying. I'd sometimes read any emails he'd left on his screen, to see if he was cheating on me. I was always looking for something I could never find...part of me knew something was wrong.
The good...He'd make us martinis on a Friday night, we'd dress up, we'd hail a cab and go meet friends at some nice place. He'd buy all of my drinks. He acted so classy in public. We'd dance (we were both very good dancers), and we'd have these talks about our dreams. We were both so ambitious, and we'd say supportive things to each other. I was sure he'd find a better job, and that he'd start a great hedge fund someday. And he was sure I'd be the best at what I did, and become like Oprah or something. We'd talk about getting 2 white fluffy dogs, he was going to take me to Paris and Italy, and after that we'd start having two kids, one we'd name Isabella. He made hard things seems so easy. He had no trouble solving problems or taking action on things (except our relationship), and it seemed things just fell into place for him.
The bad...Oh I didn't do the laundry right. I wasn't chopping the onions right (I didn't know, at the time, he had never chopped before and wasn't capable of even chopping an onion! Until I saw him try much later on!) I'd wake up from vivid dreams of him cheating on me with his female friends...so vivid I'd text him to ask if it was true and cry. His family had no boundaries, and his creepy dad would show up at midnight, or would just walk right in, or would call at 6am and be downstairs, and my ex saw no problem with it. He'd casually mention moving us to Japan or Hong Kong or something, with no concern for my reaction, which was "what??" And he'd say "If I feel like moving there, I will. You can do whatever you want, and I don't care if you go."
He had some sort of depression or something and he'd sleep until 2 or 3pm on weekends. He'd say we'd do something fun and then cancel. He'd go out w/ his friends last minute instead. If I was upset, he didn't care. If I then cried, he'd storm out and not come back until 5am, with no clue where he was. And he wouldn't apologize.
He'd abandon me at places that were difficult/impossible for me to get home from. He'd explain he was in a "rage" and I couldn't expect him to consider the impact on me, since he was not thinking clearly. I should just accept this of course.
He flirted w/ his friends very young sisters 18 and 20 years old, on thanksgiving, and didn't make eye contact or speak to me for 5 hours, and when I was upset he screamed loudly "you are a crazy bitch!" to me. "you are insane!"
The good...He'd bring home cupcakes or macarons because he knew I liked them. He surprised me with a hand bag and stuffed animal. He'd take me to nice dinners. He'd call me his "beautiful wife." He'd say I looked beautiful. We'd sit on the couch laughing at TV shows and just being close to him made me feel so warm and fuzzy. His energy was so "chill" it evened me out. I felt like he was my rock.
We'd take weekend trips to fun places. He'd take me to brunch, and we'd sit in the sunlight with our mimosas, the warm sun tanning our arms, and we'd talk about our life dreams. He'd say I was his best friend.
We took a tango class, he played soccer w/ my team once, he came to a couple of my events and helped me carry things. He'd take us on his scooter to the grocery store, and he'd carefully load it up with the food. We fit a whole shopping cart on there.
He was so smart, and a good driver. Responsible with paying bills on time, and not very messy. I'd see him walk by, and we'd break into a silly dance for a while, just because. I was the only person who brought out his silly side. But what did he bring out in me? Probably not my best sides.
The bad..
From the stress of the constant flip flopping I forever had a cold, an ear infection, a sinus infection, or was in bed for days very sick. I lost my voice several times. I gained about 10 pounds. I consatntly craved sugar or liquor. I didn't have energy to work out. I was depressed. Sometimes I'd catch my expression in the mirror, another evening with him staring at his computer ignoring me, and I'd just want to cry. Telling me I wasn't allowed to talk until he spoke to me.
It's funny how, writing it, there weren't that many good things, compared to the bad. But my love for him was overwhelming, which I guess made a frog seem like an amazing prince.
All I could think was, "No matter what, things will never be the same again. No matter what I achieve, I'll never have him again. He'll never love me. That is gone forever."
I realized no matter how happy I would become some day, some far off day, I would always have lost this life. A whole life. A marriage, future, goals, plans. All gone, forever.
The bad and good parts were so separate. It was like two separate lives I lived with him. One, so beautiful. The other, so painful.
I do remember walking through a park, on the way to a work session -- ironically, I was relationship coaching a woman in her early 40s who was having trouble dating.
All of these adorable children playing in that green sunny grass. I wanted kids. And I looked at my wedding ring, and I sadly realized I couldn't have kids with him, ever, because he was so cruel. I counted how long it would take, if ever, until I reached that goal. I'd have to divorce him, mourn, wait for the divorce to be final, start all over searching for a real soul mate, and someday, hopefully get married to the right person. It seemed like an eternity, and every day I stayed with my ex, that window of opportunity was closing. It was so sad, and I wished SO much that I could just have kids with my ex as we'd been planning on, Instead of having to get divorced.
But back to the two parts of that life...there was the good and the bad.
The good was, him walking in the door wearing (as always) a very attractive suit, perfectly tailored to him, yelling "Honey I'm home!" form the door, smiling at me, rushing over to me to give me a big hug, I could tell he didn't want to let go of that hug. I'd be making dinner and he'd rave that it smelled so good he couldn't wait to eat it. He'd say I should seriously consider becoming a chef. He was so good at his job, and dressed so well, and seemed so responsible.
The bad, him sitting at the computer for the remainder of the evening, begging me to just leave the apartment most of the time, insisting he didn't want to speak to me. Acting annoyed if I made a comment. Feeling I couldn't be myself. Him rejecting me, not wanting to look at, speak to me, or be romantic. Me crying in the bathtub. Talking on the phone to my mom, crying in the bathroom. Him saying he didn't care. Him blowing up at some tiny thing, like throwing out an expired bottle of ketshup, or insisting I not turn on the TV to "save power." (though he had it on for 3-4 hours a night). Him flirting w/ girls in front of me, buying them drinks, not speaking to me for hours as he lavished attention on them. Lying to me. Watching porn and going to strip clubs and lying about it...I never even knew. Not sure what else I didn't know. Him never wanting to have sex w/ me, and never telling me a good reason why, leaving me feeling rejected. Him buying me 50 dress up outfits, but he still had no interest regardless of what I wore. Feeling fat and old, though I was only 29 and thin. Him canceling plans and promises constantly. I never knew what I could truly rely on. Emotional abuse. It doesn't get much worse than that.
The good, each night he wanted to cuddle with me, after ignoring me for hours. He would rush over to me, a smile on his face, and would want to cuddle and talk. He'd laugh endearingly at things I said, he'd say I was "the most beautiful girl in the world" he'd say I was the "nicest person he'd ever known," and he'd say he was sure my business would succeed wildly. Each night he'd pull me onto his chest and we'd fall asleep like that. He'd tell me "everything will be okay. I love you." Then we'd roll over to the right, and then we'd sleep back to back. Each morning before he left he'd kiss and hug me and say I was "sleeping beauty."
I'd feel warm and fuzzy, and I'd go to the top floor of our building, that had this ridiculous free breakfast each day. And I'd feel so lucky, being in this lavish apartment with a huge chandelier. It was such a beautiful apartment, and was the only nice place I'd ever lived, being from a make-shift and very modest background.
I'd work on my business and feel so stable and happy, knowing I always had a place to live, in Manhattan none less. It was a dream come true. I couldn't be kicked out like all of the shady sub-let apartments I'd stayed in prior to that, that were month-to-month and falling apart...and I'd been in 3 of those. I was so happy to not have to move and to finally feel "settled." In this gorgeous apartment, with this beautiful ring, with this amazingly sweet husband.
The bad...but then this odd feeling would sink in. I'd get a strange nervous feeling, and I'd look through his desk drawer. I never found anything, but I felt this compulsion to look. I didn't realize some part of me knew he was lying. I'd sometimes read any emails he'd left on his screen, to see if he was cheating on me. I was always looking for something I could never find...part of me knew something was wrong.
The good...He'd make us martinis on a Friday night, we'd dress up, we'd hail a cab and go meet friends at some nice place. He'd buy all of my drinks. He acted so classy in public. We'd dance (we were both very good dancers), and we'd have these talks about our dreams. We were both so ambitious, and we'd say supportive things to each other. I was sure he'd find a better job, and that he'd start a great hedge fund someday. And he was sure I'd be the best at what I did, and become like Oprah or something. We'd talk about getting 2 white fluffy dogs, he was going to take me to Paris and Italy, and after that we'd start having two kids, one we'd name Isabella. He made hard things seems so easy. He had no trouble solving problems or taking action on things (except our relationship), and it seemed things just fell into place for him.
The bad...Oh I didn't do the laundry right. I wasn't chopping the onions right (I didn't know, at the time, he had never chopped before and wasn't capable of even chopping an onion! Until I saw him try much later on!) I'd wake up from vivid dreams of him cheating on me with his female friends...so vivid I'd text him to ask if it was true and cry. His family had no boundaries, and his creepy dad would show up at midnight, or would just walk right in, or would call at 6am and be downstairs, and my ex saw no problem with it. He'd casually mention moving us to Japan or Hong Kong or something, with no concern for my reaction, which was "what??" And he'd say "If I feel like moving there, I will. You can do whatever you want, and I don't care if you go."
He had some sort of depression or something and he'd sleep until 2 or 3pm on weekends. He'd say we'd do something fun and then cancel. He'd go out w/ his friends last minute instead. If I was upset, he didn't care. If I then cried, he'd storm out and not come back until 5am, with no clue where he was. And he wouldn't apologize.
He'd abandon me at places that were difficult/impossible for me to get home from. He'd explain he was in a "rage" and I couldn't expect him to consider the impact on me, since he was not thinking clearly. I should just accept this of course.
He flirted w/ his friends very young sisters 18 and 20 years old, on thanksgiving, and didn't make eye contact or speak to me for 5 hours, and when I was upset he screamed loudly "you are a crazy bitch!" to me. "you are insane!"
The good...He'd bring home cupcakes or macarons because he knew I liked them. He surprised me with a hand bag and stuffed animal. He'd take me to nice dinners. He'd call me his "beautiful wife." He'd say I looked beautiful. We'd sit on the couch laughing at TV shows and just being close to him made me feel so warm and fuzzy. His energy was so "chill" it evened me out. I felt like he was my rock.
We'd take weekend trips to fun places. He'd take me to brunch, and we'd sit in the sunlight with our mimosas, the warm sun tanning our arms, and we'd talk about our life dreams. He'd say I was his best friend.
We took a tango class, he played soccer w/ my team once, he came to a couple of my events and helped me carry things. He'd take us on his scooter to the grocery store, and he'd carefully load it up with the food. We fit a whole shopping cart on there.
He was so smart, and a good driver. Responsible with paying bills on time, and not very messy. I'd see him walk by, and we'd break into a silly dance for a while, just because. I was the only person who brought out his silly side. But what did he bring out in me? Probably not my best sides.
The bad..
From the stress of the constant flip flopping I forever had a cold, an ear infection, a sinus infection, or was in bed for days very sick. I lost my voice several times. I gained about 10 pounds. I consatntly craved sugar or liquor. I didn't have energy to work out. I was depressed. Sometimes I'd catch my expression in the mirror, another evening with him staring at his computer ignoring me, and I'd just want to cry. Telling me I wasn't allowed to talk until he spoke to me.
It's funny how, writing it, there weren't that many good things, compared to the bad. But my love for him was overwhelming, which I guess made a frog seem like an amazing prince.
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